The "L" word

Please, think about your feelings before you go throwing the "L" word around. Look at yourself, trying so hard to prove to me that you "love" him. I doubt that you ever had any feelings for him whatsoever. But keep trying to convince yourself that, I'm sure it'll work.

You feel left behind, that's what you feel. You want him because he hurt you, because you want to prove to yourself that you're not just some reject. You need to feel as though you can get him and keep him and not be left behind.

Don't you just hate it when people throw the "L" word around just for the heck of it? Like it's just a word, there's no meaning that lies behind it. It's meant for everyday use. To throw at anybody that gives you the opprotunity, and not saying it to whom we really should be.

"I love you" and "I hate you" are the single most common lies ever told.

Stop just throwing it around like it's nothing.

Society

The school's nowadays are becoming increasingly voilent and dangerous. Innocence has died along with chivalry and integrity. Where lies our dormant morals?

Drowning in a sea of inept parenting and unimaginative media. In a society where parents shuttle their children off to daycares and nannies, before plopping them down in front of entertainment that idealizes shallowness and violence, can we really be surprised at the newest generation of youth that has cropped up?

No!

The absenteeism of parents in childrens' lives have made their innocence vanish, and a superficial stereotype remains. The propaganda of how we should look and how we should act infiltrates our minds and brainwashes us...until we are merely nothing but an outer shell of an ego.

It is utterly disgusting.

However, I take comfort in the fact that it will not last forever, this too will pass.

Discrimination and racism and sexism....when...please tell me....will it end?

Panic! At The Disco

The group has gone their seperate ways now; however, Panic! At The Disco still plays on. Two men, a rather young Ryan Ross, and a rather scroungy Jonathon Walker, have decided to part from Panic! and pursue their own dreams. The Young Veins is on hiatus for the moment, for Ryan has found purpose in hockey...I was told. The two other men who chose to carry on with Panic, Brendon Urie and Spencer Smith, are coming out with a new album early next year.

This is the Panic! break up from my point of view.

This is the Panic! break up from the others' points of view:

ZOMG NOOOOOOOO!

I Can Walk On Water Too, When It's Frozen

Who,
Do,
You,
Think you are?
You,
You have to believe in Jesus first,
To be compelled by the power of Christ.
Well I don't believe in your imaginary friends.
If I'm condemned to hell,
Let me pay my price.
I'm tired of sitting,
In these rotting pews,
Where the pulpit is stained,
From the wine.
They say it turns to blood,
But it's still tastes the same.
It's like they're feeding lies,
To all the infints,
Just born from naivety.
Honey gullible is writen on the ceiling,
And you bend your neck,
To look up anyway.

Where's your proof,
Where's my miracle?
If God exists,
Is this pure hell?
I don't wanna die,
Because I'll just rot in the filth,
You can't make me believe in something,
I don't want to believe it.
Faith is just a myth,
And hope is just a lie,
You keep telling yourself,
That it'll be alright,
But it won't.
If you don't do anything,
About it.
Oh.

I,
Can't belive,
What you need to believe.
You and me are different honey,
See you suffer from unrealistic,
Expectations,
When I live in reality.
Well these walls are closing in,
And this cross is just a plus sign,
Hanging above the preacher.
But he's not even preachin',
No he just sits there readin',
And,
No one else is listenin',
It's killing me,
No conviction.

Where's your proof,
Where's my miracle,
If God exists,
Is this pure hell?
I don't wanna die,
Because I'll just rot in the filth,
You can't make me believe in something,
I don't want to believe it.
Faith is just a myth,
And hope is just a lie,
You keep telling yourself,
That it'll be alright,
But it won't.
If you don't do anything,
About it.
Oh.

You'd have to set me on fire,
Before I got married in a parish,
With a special pope,
Who baptizes all the innocent children.
Please shoving your religion,
Down my throat.
I can barely breathe in.
Oh.

Where's your proof,
Where's my miracle,
If God exists,
Is this pure hell?
Where's your proof,
Where's my miracle,
If God exists,
Is this pure hell?
I don't wanna die,
Because I'll just rot in the filth,
You can't make me believe in something,
I don't want to believe it.
Faith is just a myth,
And hope is just a lie,
You keep telling yourself,
That it'll be alright,
But it won't.
If you don't do anything,
About it.
Oh.
I don't wanna die,
Because I'll just rot in the filth,
You can't make me believe in something,
I don't want to believe it.
Faith is just a myth,
And hope is just a lie,
You keep telling yourself,
That it'll be alright,
But it won't.
If you don't do anything,
About it.
Oh.

Technology

Please turn off your blackberries, blueberries, raspberries, and strawberries.

Also, put away your Ipods, Epods, Apods, and Opods.

Can you believe what they're calling this shit? When I was your age, a blackberry was a fruit. Yes, a fruit. NOT a cellphone.

Uh, hey, you're doing it wrong.

I'm sure most of the kids (yes, kids) that use this junk don't know half of what they're actually doing. Calling people comes from magical unicorns, not from satellites. Uh, duh. Hey ten-year-old, I get it. You're rich. You made that clear when you rubbed you Apod in my face for the tenth time. Seriously. Maybe you just have a fedish for topping people? You'll go far in life. (Sarcasm)

Ten-year-olds. Can you believe it? And already they're becoming narcissistic, moronic, ignorant, and frankly, downright ridiculous erotomaniacs. Ooooh, yeah I went there.

Ten-year-olds.


It baffles me.

My Day

I woke up today. That's a start. I decided to wear the sweater-dress I wore to my grandmother's late Thanksgiving dinner, and my deceased great aunt's poofy blue-green coat. Needless to say I didn't match, but oh well. My mom had washed my tights the prior night and they were still damp this morning, but I pulled them on and stood in the freezing cold with wet tights for five mintutes anyway. (That's a run-on sentence if I've ever seen one.)
On the bus, a different girl sat next to me, again, without my permission. She must have been friends with the girl whom usually sits next to me because they were chatting up a storm while me and the other victim (still half-awake) sitting in the other seat were forced to listen to "ZOMG DID YOU HEAR WHAT JOHNNY DID?" the whole bus-ride there. I could barely even keep my eyes open.
When I got to school I rushed through the doors as fast as I could so I could find Dorian. Finding him wasn't hard; as soon as I walked in and turned the corner I saw his head bounce my way. I put my poofy coat in my locker, after turning to every friend I saw on the way there and pouncing on them, telling them to look at my poofy coat. Yeah, I rocked it. I rocked the proofy coat. Epic.
We walked back down the other way, stopping to say hello to my friends, all scattered in a group by the window of the fish-bowl. (I call the circle going around our school court-yard the fish-bowl.) In Mrs. Yeager's class we did a fun (not really) activity on the promethean board involving our vocabulary words. I don't really study, I so pretended to be smart and know what I'm talking about while the rest of my group did all the work. At least I had my vocabulary list.
Choir was as normal as it gets. We have to sing the first part of a song in german, so all the words sound like a mentally retared kid got a hold of something hot and is attempting to curse. Skyler made up very perverted names for everyone in his gym class, including me, although I'm not in gym this year. Apparently I'm "Junk-touching Julie."
World studies - boring. Math - somewhat interesting. Mr. Lipinski* was somewhere else so we had a substitute teacher today. She just sat back and read a book while we threw dry and tastless nuts at each other. I was called a dumb whore by someone who's probably still a virgin, or someone who's had sex so many times not even chick on chick porn can get that little guy up. Moron.
I hate pretty much everybody in my school. They're all narcissistic, air/meat-headed, downright rude, morons. All of them! (With the exception of my friends/boyfriend.) You can try to talk to them but they'll just stare at you like you're some sort of high-tech robot that came back from the future. You could hold a gun to their heads and tell them you would kill them, but speak as if you were an adult, and they'd just stare blankly until you pulled the trigger. (Then they'd smile because they're not people and they can't die. Uh oh. Idiot zombies? That's worse than regular zombies! "Hearts! Hear-wait....Brains! Brains!" *muches on tree*)
Spanish was just kind of me hating everyone and their stupidity. The only person I like in that class is a guy named Blake, because he's not an idiot and isn't immature like EVERYBODY else. I used to think my old childhood friend, Stephanie, was nice, but she's apparently friends with a girl who made out with a teacher. Major points taken away for that. I went to the bathroom and just kind of sat there in the hallway looking at the snow falling outside. It was truly breath-taking.
The only new thing I learned was the spanish verb 'tener' or whatever. I learned how to conjugate it and what not, and then I took notes on a paper the teacher pretty much just did herself. The rest of the period I stared off into space and thought about baby names and a restaurant that would fit your every need. It would also have your own name on it, and you could coerce whoever you dislike to work there for you. Best. Idea. Since. Forver. Ago.
Lunch wasn't much fun either. While standing in line, still in my daze of restaurant heaven, Dorian got into an increasingly aggressive argument with Kristin. Talk about drama. It was over the silliest thing. A song. Yes. It was over song. And innocents got hurt! Poor poor Tyler. He was only trying to defend Kristin. Oh well, I'm not going into anymore depth on this one. It's over and done with and I'm glad.
The rest of the lunch period I spent as a nun in a curch/school. (Day-dreaming.) Most-likey because in English, which was next period, we were reading a book called "They Cage the Animals at Night" by Jennings Michael* Burch. It's about a memoir of Jennings going to a foster home in a church because his mother gets sick. It's interesting, very, very interesting. The only sad part about it is that this actually happened.
English, I spent reading. Books are like drugs to me, you can't get me off them. Besides, these drugs are at least GOOD for you. Not like cocaine or acid or heroin. Those bullshit drugs. I hope everyone who wants to do those drugs realizes what they're putting their poor body through. And smoking, God help me. At least I can thank the tobacco company for fishing out the idiots in this world. (Cough cough, my brother.)
In art (Technically it's 'Drawing basics'.) I did absolutely nothing. Before the bell even rang I was walking down to the nurses office, holding my stomach, in faux pain. I felt fake. I was walking down the crowded corridors when the bell rang, and every ape in the hallways rushed off to class to get lectures on being late. Again.
I stepped inside, only to see one of my really good friend's mother's familiar face. Nicest. Nurse. Ever. I told her I wasn't feeling well, and lied down on the cots in the back. It was like a square with half-walls and a giant curtain (although you can see over the walls) to the side. One blue-ish cot is next to the bathroom door, with the foot of the bed touching a cabinet I like to study whenever I lie down in there. The other cot is opposite of the bathroom door, the foot of it at the poster of what steriods can do to your body. Another interesting detail.
Before long I had to leave and march back on to class. We had a substitute in Ms. Carter's class too, but I didn't really get to know her, being I spent the rest of the class in the library with Devin, Taylor, and Sam while they looked up picutres. I just sat at one of the computers and typed up a random poem. My poetry doesn't make sense. When we got back all we did was color for like twenty minutes, anxiously awaiting that long ring (more like a beep.) to erupt out of the old speakers.
Before the bell rang, I asked the substitute if I could go get Mr. Poofy Coat, being that my locker is in the three hundreds and my class and bus were out front. I opened my locker just as the bell rang. As I was walking back to my bus, manoeuvring around the apes grunting and shoving the smaller off to the side so they can get to the same exact place as them, just a little bit faster, I saw that the snow had practically stopped. This sadened me, for I want a snow day tomorrow.
Oh magic mother nature, let it snow, let it snow, let it snow! Please? Anyway, normal day, to say the least. Spent most of it apprehensively waiting my return home. Only to find out there was no internet. So I went to my "emo corner" in the library, sat, and ate cheese puffs for the next hour. When I got home there was internet. Yay, summing everything up! Oh well, I hope tomorrow will be better.

Forgiveness

Forgive and forget is re-live and regret.

You don't wanna do that.

Always forgive, but never forget.

Books + Nerds

I'm reading this awesome book right now.

It's called Invisible Monsters by Chuck Palahniuk.

It's about this girl, who had it all, then had nothing.

She was shot in the mouth and left unable to speak.

The plot is fantastic, but that's not what gets me thinking. What does is:

A) Chuck's style of writing. I love it, and I want to write like him. (And some other person I know xD...)

B) Quotes from the book:

"You have to keep recycling yourself."

"When did the future switch from being a promise to a threat?"

"We'll be remembered more for what we destroy than what we create."

"Nothing of me is original. I am the combined effort of everybody I've ever known."

This is all so true.

I'm not who I was yesterday, I won't be who am I right now tomorrow. We all change, everyday.

The future looks bleak, maybe it shouldn't come after all.

The Ozone layer, multiple forests, so many species of animals. We've destroyed them all. And none of it can come back. But what are we most remembered for creating? Electricity? Television? Internet?

What about creating ourselves? What happened to originality?

I'm a nerd. Proud to admit it. I host Scrabble parties and I've memorized basically all of the books and movies in Harry Potter.

I can't sing. I can't play musical instruments, yet I want to be a musician SO badly. Proud to admit that too. My flaws give me character. They give me life, instead of giving me perfection.

Perfect is boring.

Try being crazy. You call it immaturity, I call it fun.

Try being quirky. You call it obnoxious, I call it random.

Try being funny. You call it inapropriate, I call it humor.

You and me are different.

I like that.

Life

Put on your birght-red high heels, pink penny loafers, black combat-boots, blue Converse all-stars, and your brown Italian leather shoes, then walk off to your clones.

Then look at the other clones and gasp because they don't look EXACTLY like you.

Then judge them, oh yeah, they love being judged.

Then stereotype them.

Then start clone wars.

Then walk off because you've had your fair share of drama for the evening.

Don't you just love life?

Grammar

It's this.... i laaaav u + i killz u bitchez + u wunna fight + y u all up in my grill + shit... run run run!

Hi, here I am again.

I wonder if others think about what I think about.

How if people think maturely (others' feelings, consequences, ect.) or scientifically (you get this one) how they combine, if they are in each others' worlds, how they meet.

It's that..... u wunna get married + i fuckin hate u + meet me @ so and so = God, hit these morons with the grammar pillow.....PLEASE!

The wall said to the ceiling, "Meet me in the corner."

A Face In The Photograph

A face in the photograph,
As she begins to laugh.
Suddenly becomes a frozen thought,
Because you can freeze time,
Behind the camera lense.
So the past isn't left to rot.
Breathing in the cool air,
Wipping through her wild hair,
And her eyes a distant green.
Far away from me.
A silent reverie,
A memory.

Sunshine Is My New Best Friend

Did you see the sunset,
When you walked the brink,
Of the ocean?
Did you see a young girl,
Collecting seashells by the shore?
Did you go to Paris,
Like you've always wanted?
Did you meet your perfect woman?
Cause I wasn't her heretofore?

Well if you ever have time,
To send me a postcard,
Telling me where you've been,
I'll write you back,
Telling you that,
Nothing's changed since then.
I miss you.

Did you write a book,
Full of all your poems?
Did you sign some autographs,
And dance with your new born child?
Did you plant your roots,
Way out westbound.
Have you even found that,
When you think of me you smile.

Well if you ever have time,
To send me a postcard,
Telling me where you've been,
I'll write you back,
Telling you that,
Nothing's changed since then.
I've learned to play guitar,
I've wrote some songs,
Toured in other states.
I always think of you,
When your gone,
Are you missing me?

And I saw you on the streets,
And you looked so happy.
Smiling with your kids,
Carrying around some candy.
I'm still lonely,
I don't know what to do now.
Oh,
They always say it's so easy to fall in love.
But it's so hard to fall out.

Well if you ever have time,
To send me a postcard,
Telling me where you've been,
I'll write you back,
Telling you that,
Nothing's changed since then.
I've been dancing on the lines,
I'm doing fine,
You don't have to worry.
I always think of you,
When your gone,
Are you missing me?
Are you missing me?
Are you missing me?
Are you missing me?
Cause I'm missing you.

To Shoot For The Clouds, Aim For The Stars

I was born a skeleton,
In a plate of armor.
A shell to fix up,
Call my home.
Hidden in the shadows,
Of your ego.
Can you step back,
Put every nook and cranny,
In your backpack,
Please?
I've got another question,
For your mousetrap,
Sprang,
Away a long time ago.
So pick up your flashlight,
Walk out into the forest,
Of this cold night.
Set down a cookie jar,
And search for,
The missing pieces of,
The puzzle that's so hard,
To finish,
Everyone has something in it's,
Home.

So, keep going yeah,
Keep strong and,
Find a smile,
Then put it in your pocket.
Walk off like your not even bothered.
This right shouldn't feel so wrong now.
Keep going yeah,
Keep strong and,
Find a smile,
Then put it in your pocket.
Walk off like your not even bothered.
This right shouldn't feel so wrong now.

I took a trip to heaven,
And bought a souvenir.
For the road trip,
On the cold days,
And lies to plug in a bottle,
On light weights.
I want a ceiling,
Filled to from wall to wall,
With my history.
Memories can bargan,
At the toy shop's knees,
Oh but you can try to play.
Can you make the sky fall?
I want to see the stars,
On a daytime stroll.
Walking past the houses,
Of your absent rolls.
Played by all the nuns and saints.

So, keep going yeah,
Keep strong and,
Find a smile,
Then put it in your pocket.
Walk off like your not even bothered.
This right shouldn't feel so wrong now.
Keep going yeah,
Keep strong and,
Find a smile,
Then put it in your pocket.
Walk off like your not even bothered.
This right shouldn't feel so wrong now.

The sky is so high,
That if there was an explosion,
You wouldn't even notice,
The cerulean fade.
Thus, we're too wrapped up.
In the perfect moment,
Oh it's so impotent,
When you count the days.
Do you have change?
Spare for a billion,
Of the cutest kisses,
On your lovers lips and,
When you wantch the sunset,
Do you notice how the gold is kind of grey?

So, keep going yeah,
Keep strong and,
Find a smile,
Then put it in your pocket.
Walk off like your not even bothered.
This right shouldn't feel so wrong now.
Keep going yeah,
Keep strong and,
Find a smile,
Then put it in your pocket.
Walk off like your not even bothered.
This right shouldn't feel so wrong now.

The sky is so high,
That if there was an explosion,
You wouldn't even notice,
The cerulean fade.
Thus, we're too wrapped up.
In the perfect moment,
Oh it's so impotent,
When you count the days.
Do you have change?
Spare for a billion,
Of the cutest kisses,
On your lovers lips and,
When you wantch the sunset,
Do you notice how the gold is kind of grey?

Narcissistic

Like I was born to live for you. To eat, sleep, breathe for you. Like I have no social life, I spend all day drooling over you and your god complex. Like I am not a human being, I have no feelings, I just know that I worship you, love you, want you. Is that all you think of me? That I'm this worthless piece of garbage you can throw away with the snap of your fingers? I am more than comes to mind when you think of me.

We were born to be a skeleton. What we do in this world can only make a difference if what we do in the world has any significance to anything other than what's "in" at the moment. Grow up. Put down your cell phones, log off of the internet, close down your laptops. Make someone smile, make someone laugh. Make a difference.

As if that'll ever happen.

Something In The Night

I'm lying in my bed, but I'm looking at myself. Like I'm stuck in the corner, and my body is just there. It's dark in my room, there are clothes littered on the floor, and the desk that I have now, that sits across from my bed, isn't there. The foot of my bed reaches the door-frame, but my door is closed. I have my nightstand, and my TV stand, which is also my drawer. My closet is closed, and I linger in the corner next to it.

I can't tell what my clock reads, but it's sometime in the morning, way before dawn, or any sunlight that would ease the goosebumps I can feel on my body. It's strange, how I can feel this, but I'm not in my own body. Then there's a man, who enters through my window. I don't know how he got in, I usually lock it.

He walkes calmly over to my bed, the street-light outside of my house shines some light into my room, and he walks into it. His face seems familiar, but vague and obscur at the same time. He sits on the foot of my bed, and puts his hand on my leg.

"Take off your clothes." He whispers, his voice strict, but not aggressive. He sounds familiar too, like someone I know, but I just can't put my finger on it. "Take off your clothes." He repeats himself, this time more maliciously.

I try to scream, but suddenly he's on top of me, kissing my lips, my cheek, chin, neck. He tugs down my shorts and underwear, moving his lips slowly down my body. I'm not sleeping with a shirt or bra on, which I normally do. He grips my wrists and pulls them down to my side, to where I cannot move at all. My legs are apart, and I feel some warmth, his tongue moving slowly down my abdomen, lower, and lower.

I'm able to get my left hand free from his, and try to reach over my motionless body to my cell phone sitting on my nightstand, but he catches my hand, and with the flick of his wrist, he brakes mine. I try to scream again, but no words escape, I'm left helpless.

Fingers in inapropriate places, I rock my body from side to side. It doesn't even phase him. I try to sit up, but his free hand pushes my back down on the bed. I start sobbing. I can feel it, the pain, and nothing but. I try to yell for my mother, but my mouth won't open.

He sits up, pulling my wrists and abdomen up-right. If he is going to rape me, why doesn't he just do it already? He pulls of his pants and shirt, unbottons his boxers. I squirm, and try to bite his arms. When I open my mouth to scream again, he intertwines his fingers with my hair and forces my head down.

"If you bite down, I'll brake your neck." He smiles, I can see it from where I am in the corner. It's an arrogant smirk. He's bluffing, but my body doesn't bite anyway. I don't move, his arm does, up and down, my salty tears mixing with my saliva. He talks to me like I'm an adult, like he does this to me every night. It scares me.

He pulls me off, pushes me down on the bed. He grips my sides and climbs on top of me, starts kissing me. His hands move to the inside of my thighs, squeezing tight, tighter, it burns. And he's inside of me, but he makes no noises. Silent. I'm the one drowing in my own screams, sobs, squirming. I feel it. I feel him inside of me. I don't know how long it's been. It's still sometime in the morning, my clock has stayed the same vague, unreadable number throughout the night.

He finishes, gets up. He pulls my underwear and shorts onto my sweaty body, and dresses himself. There's some form of light outside of my window, shining through. When he pulls up the curtains, handfuls of sunlight are thrown at my face. I blink, one, twice. He's gone. My window is left open. I try to scream. Nothing. I try to move. Nothing. I tell myself to get my cell phone and call the police. Once more, nothing.

I'm trapped, in the corner. I'm the shadow, lingering on the wall. I start to wonder if I'm dead. I haven't moved since he left. I can't call out to myself. I pound on the invisible barrier keeping me from my body. I hear no sounds. Nothing. No crickets. Not even my own sobs. I'm sobbing? I didn't notice I was moving. Too preoccupied with getting out. Trapped. I'm lying in my bed, but I'm looking at myself.

Jade

The ink of the newspapers was faded, a deluted look that gave the acient papers a sort of devine appearance. The white spaces in between the words was yellowing and moldy, the speckles of dusting lingering in the air above it, faintly showing dull pieces in the light that came through the windows. The headlines read, "YOUNG GIRL, AGE SIXTEEN, FOUND DEAD, JANE DOE."

"I've seen strange things, Jade." Ben whispered to the vacant air, "But never a Jane Doe they automatically know the age of. I guess autopsies are important." His pale skin was fluorescent in the black light. "I always imagined a deer with a name tag lying dead in a ditch."

"Don't get worked up kid." Ryan sighed at the stack of newspapers that sat on the old workbench. "Get up and help me get these into the truck. We have more papers to deliver today, it's Wednesday."

There were always more newspapers on Wednesday. It was the busy day. The day all of the rich folk living in the luxorious houses demanded their newspapers. For whatever reason, it was always on a Wednesday. Ben stood, folding the page of old newspaper into his back pocket and letting the rest drop to the ground, joining all of the other out-of-date papers that littered the floor of the old warehouse.

They hauled the stack into the truck and went around to the front. Ben always rode shot-gun, Ryan always drove. Ben struggled to open the stubborn door, the red paint chipping off under his fingernails, since there was no presence of a door-handle. Ryan hopped in the driver's side and unlocked the door. "Idiot." He muttered under his breath, before starting up the truck.

"I'm not an idiot." Ben argued, opening up the door and climbing in. "I'm just slow today."

"You're slow every day kid." He shifted gears, making the engine stall and backfire. "Shit. I hate this piece of scrap metal." He revved the engine, then pulled out of the large parking lot.

"Roll down the windows, it's hot."

"Yeah and it's also about to rain, so, that's a no-go on the window, buck."

It was true; the silver clouds over head were pushing past each other, like there was some prize for rain clouds on the other side of the sky. Everything was grey and gloomy, even the air appeared to have some sort of thickness to it that intantaneously made your mood drop when you walked outside. The flowers were hiding today.

Ben knew not to bring it up, but it was something he had to do. "It's my fifteenth birthday in two days." He shyly smiled, hiding his face in his palm. "Jade and I have an anniversary two day before-"

"Yeah. Happy early birthday kid." Ryan interjected, keeping off the topic of Jade. "I sadly won't be able to make it."

"Why not?" He couldn't keep himself from asking. Ben was easily distracted, and Jade would flow in and out of his mind so frequently it sometimes wasn't even worth talking about.

"I'm gonna join the navy." Ryan kept it simple, short, and clean. He didn't intend to go into deatail about his disparture with his family after Jade's death. But Ben somehow felt connected to him. Ryan was his girlfriend's brother, so it seemed he was always family to Ben.

"Do you want to go to the graveyard after work?" The sudden errupture of words spewed out of Ben's mouth, and he immediately shook with embarrassment after that words had escaped.

"I don't know. Sure. Why the hell not?" Ryan shrugged, turning the corner to the first street of the rich part of town.

The boys spent the rest of the day in silence. The awkwardness of the scenario- if Ben or Ryan would have been in the car with anybody else- not playing out. Ben tapped his fingers on the window while Ryan snuck out a cigarette, trusting Ben not to tell, but with some suspicion and skepticism. Although he was considered legal to smoke, his parents didn't appreciate him doing so all too much.

And a secret Jade had told Ben, but took with her to her grave, the leukemia, had destroyed the once happy family. Ryan's father became an alcoholic that wouldn't return home for two or three days, and his mother was committing adultery. Ben's family wasn't all fairytail princess either. Both had flaws, but Ryan's family was the only one Ben saw falling apart at the seams. So Ryan's only move was to move on.

After they had finished up work, the two practically pushed the truck back to the warehouse. Sweat covering their soaked faces.

"Did you know it was possible to sweat while you're being doused in polluted, acidic rain?" Ryan joked.

"Damn, can we head up to the Gand Hale Cemetary now? I have something I need to tell Jade."

Ryan shook his head. Ben was naive to think Jade was listening to his pathetic pleas to the afterlife. He knew his sister, and he knew she had moved on from their tragic lives. He just couldn't seem to grasp why Ben wouldn't give up. Where's this kid getting all this hope from?

"Yeah, man, but we better go before it gets late. I don't want your mom nerve-raging again." He smiled a true genuine smile for the first time in for what it's seemed like- years!

The boys hopped in Ryan's old Chevy and drove up to Grand Hale, hiking up the steep hill to where Jade's grave was located. Ben dropped to his knees and whispered a prayer, then opened them back up and smiled at the lettering on the grave.

"For our anniversary, I got you a ring." He whispered. He pulled out a little black ring box and placed it in front of the daisies they planted for Jade- her favorite flower. Ryan was too afraid to ask where he got the ring, but he knelt beside Ben and opened the box himself.

Sure enough, it was an engagement ring.

Bisexual Diest

I think I understand why I'm so angry at my mother lately. There are two things actually.

One is that she can't accept the fact that I'm truely bisexual. I like women, and men, bottom line. I hate how parents will automatically assume that you're heterosexual just because they are. That doesn't mean a god damn thing. I feel like I'm some sort of a plastic puppet when I around her because I'm so afraid of her disproval. I mean, I didn't even realize it was bothering me at first. Then it started appearing in my dreams. I always have the same one. She catches me kissing a girl and kicks me out, screaming that I'm not her daughter anymore and that I'll never go to heaven.

When did it become so wrong for one woman to love another? Love doesn't have one set definition, or gender, or age. So stop telling me I'm too young, stop telling me I can never love another woman, and stop telling me what love is. I'll decide what love means to me, I'll decide when I'm old enough to fall in love, and I'll decide whether I love a woman or a man. Don't judge me for loving someone of the same sex.

The other thing; is that I'm not exactly what you would call religious. I'm a diest. Which means that I only believe in a higher power, not necessarily a god or goddess, but a diety or some sort of creature with devine powers. She has a hard time accepting that also. She's very religous, and sometimes I feel like she's shoving religion down my throat, although she isn't. Nevertheless, I still feel like I'm a traitor in my own home.

It's just that I don't feel like she's accepting the real me.

And her approval and opinion matters to me.

She is my mother after all.

update

Sorry, been busy. I can't believe I actually have a social life. I've just been hanging out with a bunch of friends in very odd places.

Like the Laundry Mat.

My safe haven.

Anywho, I'll try to keep you (you as in nobody because I'm very unpopular when it comes to people following my blog) updated ;)

Rumors Of The Sea

Sunken ships,
To the bottom of an ocean.
Praised and oh so vigilant.
But no caution could keep disaster away.
Light the fire and storm the seas,
Here to stay from white sanded shores,
Carnivals,
And walking absent-mindedly,
On the water,
No joke told.
But lies were sold,
With bitter mouths.

Take me away!
I don't want to play,
All your stupid games.
If it means a lot to the trade.
I'm not okay!
If you want to stay,
You are welcomed late,
But so much more was a stake.
God damn vulgars praised.

Blank white,
Streams of the river edge.
Don't wish,
These angels don't take call backs.
And what of it?
Where's this God damn miracale?
There was water in the form of a solid.
But somewhere in the middle of it all,
Was a misunderstanding.
He's not dead.
No, he's just sleeping.

Take me away!
I don't want to play,
All your stupid games.
If it means a lot to the trade.
I'm not okay!
If you want to stay,
You are welcomed late,
But so much more was a stake.
God damn vulgars praised.

Seemed to the opaque,
Ocean deathly,
With the lies of,
Jesus Chirst, Oh.
When will we get our fix,
Of miracles?
And please tell me when is this,
Fight over now?

Take me away!
I don't want to play,
All your stupid games.
If it means a lot to the trade.
I'm not okay!
If you want to stay,
You are welcomed late,
But so much more was a stake.
God damn vulgars praised.

Seemed to the opaque,
Ocean deathly,
With the lies of,
Jesus Chirst, Oh.
When will we get our fix,
Of miracles?
And please tell me when is this,
Fight over now?
Seemed to the opaque,
Ocean deathly,
With the lies of,
Jesus Chirst, Oh.
When will we get our fix,
Of miracles?
And please tell me when is this,
Fight over now?

Favorite Words

Favorite Words:

Bunches = A lot. "I miss you bunches!"
Happy face = Used in the presence of a good mood, gratitude, good news, or to what others have said or done. "Awe! Happy face! Thanks!"
Salt/Salty/Super salty = Expressing grumpiness (referring to mood or to what someone said or did). "Awe man! Super salty!"
Sad face = Used in the presence of a mistake, bad news, denial of object of desire, or in the presence of a bad mood. "Give me the cookie! No! Sad face!"
Ouch = Expressing sympathy for the pain of others. (whether referring to irreverence or physical pain) "Ouch man, that oughta hurt!"
Eat that = Usaully used when having just proven a point, or having done something to show off or top others. "Oh yeah! I'm right! Eat that!"
Nom nom nom = Anything you want it to mean. "Nom nom nom!"
Om nom nom = Anything you want it to mean. "Om nom nom!"
Frowny face = Usually used in the presence of a bad mood. "You took my pencil! Frowny face."
Uber (I spell it oober) = Great proprtions. "Dude I am oober happy face right now!"
Epic = Cool, awesome, big, great. "Epic speech man!"
Christmas trees = Expression of frustration. "Oh! Christmas trees! Can you stop being so stubborn?"
Indubitably = Yes. "Indubitably my friend."
Shit on a cracker = Expression of frustration, usually used in the presence of a mistake. "Holy shit on a cracker! I dropped my pen!"
Fuck a duck = Another expression of frustration, used more frequently. "Fuck a duck! I got my shirt ripped!"
Fuck a duck on a cracker = Expression of extreme anger or frustration, usually referring to mistakes of others or yourself. "Fuck a duck on a cracker! I got an F on my homework!"
It's because I'm black = Used when being criticised, decried, or in the presence of a mistake made by yourself. "You only hate me because I'm black."

Swollen

I've been lonely and sick lately. Not the 'I feel like I might vomit, even though I don't, I just want out of school' sick. I'm talking about the 'Every muscle in my body hurts, oh and not to mention my face is swollen to the size of a watermellon because nobody believed I was actually sick' sick. Everything to the right of my face (I.E. neck, jaw, throat, cheek, ear, eyebrow, temple, and area surrounding said swollen features) is swollen. (And my right nostril is stuffy) And every time I move ANYTHING, I feel a sharp pain vibrate throughout my whole entire body.

The lonely part; same as always:

I feel hated.

Another Poem?

Cold is walking with the daisies.

When the ice heard the water wake up.

The stars fall down like a spotlight

Like diamonds would fall in the rough.

And there are footprints in the snow.

And there are secrets in the wind.

And there are thorns upon the rose.

But there's no beginning to the end.

But she walks so gracefully.

And she laughs so easily.

I said hello to the wind.

She passes by with leafs in her hair.

But she floats above the grass.

Almost as if she isn't really there.

Love

You never really stop loving someone, you just learn to try to live without them. But sometimes you have to forget how you feel and remember what you deserve. Because if you start dweling on what you don't have, and forget to appreciate what you're lucky to have, then you're going down a road that has no U-turns. So don't dwell on who let you down, charish those who held you up.

To you, old friend

With the winds that whispers,
All your secrets.
Touching down beside me.
A heart that's full of,
Good intentions.
Ripped from your chest.
Your eyes are golden,
Your scars are warm.
And, you hold me in your arms.
I'll remember,
Who you are.
But I have to move on.

I'll keep your pictures.
I'll hold your memories.
I'll never forget,
What you taught me.
A lesson,
Wisdom,
Is hard to find these days.

And oh,
If you saw me now,
What would you say?
I still remember,
Our last words.
As painful as it is to replay.
I don't hate you.
I never will.
I'm sorry for my actions,
But looking at you now,
You seem so still,
I wish you didn't give up.

And I love you,
I'll always miss you.
I'll always feel your heart.
It lies right beside me,
On the pillow,
As I pray to God you stay strong.

Flaws Baby!

So, here I am watching my life pass by, when I realize that if you can't love yourself you're not entitled to love anything else. So I counted all of my flaws, and lapses in my appearance, and then I counted all of the things I actually like about myself. It came out I have more flaws, but that doesn't matter. I accept those flaws, that's all that counts.


So now I can actually say, that for once in my life, I love myself and I accept myself for who and what I am.


Whoever I choose to be, I know that in the end, even if I don't like parts of my body, or parts of my personality, that at least I can accept those flaws and move on.


You should be able to do that also.

Little Girl

I wrote this song for a friend's sister, who has just had a miscarriage.

Little girl,
I hope you're happy in the sky.
Little girl,
Spread your wings and dare to fly.
I'll continue,
To love you.
And you continue to be okay.
I'll keep my hopes up in the clouds,
And I'll bow my head to pray.

Is this really happening?
No.
I vowed to protect you.
Now the only time I get to see you,
Is falling into sleep.

And in my dreams,
You walk with the angels.
And you're whispering,
How you miss me so.
I still don't understand,
How this gift you give,
Can be taken away so easily.
But I love you.
Just remember me.

Oh, little girl.

Do you miss me like I miss you?
Little girl,
Your daddy can't breathe without you.
And I'll carry,
On your memory,
That I store so deep inside.
Promise me,
You'll fly free,
And I promise not to cry.

And in my dreams,
You walk with the angels.
And you're whispering,
How you miss me so.
I still don't understand,
How this gift you give,
Can be taken away so easily.
But I love you.
Just remember me.
Oh little girl.

Everytime I think about your smile,
No one gets to see.
I try so hard to bear your gift,
That you gave to me.
But I'll keep my head up high,
Over my head is whrere you fly.
Well, I promised not to cry,
But I can't hold this in,
I'm sorry.

And in my dreams,
You walk with the angels.
And you're whispering,
How you miss me so.
I still don't understand,
How this gift you give,
Can be taken away so easily.
But I love you.
Just remember me.
Oh little girl.

Oh little girl.
Oh little girl.

The Truth

I figured out today that telling the truth is harder then it seems. We all like to hide behind our lies because it makes it so much easier to trust someone else with their lies and not be hurt then to fully trust them and get torn apart. It would be a much simpler and conventient society if everyone would just tell the truth.

But it's hard.

If you tell someone what you wouldn't normally tell anyone else, it's like giving birth to a relationship that you naturally care so much about, and fret over losing.

But when it comes to lying, everyone does it. You can't help it. If you lie in a relationship, like almost everyone I know does, then it's so hard to tell your significant other that you had lied, because you don't want them to figure it out and start lying to you, or to snatch back the trust that they had put into you.

So we lie, and we go out of our ways to make that lie seem like a realistic possibility.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wPlSmAWmi1I

The link above is to a song called "The Truth" and I think you'll like it.

Because it's true.

I. Don't. Give. A. Shit.

I definetly change my mind. Best birthday ever!

I was given words of advice from someone very wise.

If people make fun of you for being who you are, who cares? Who are they to tell you who to be and how to act? Shut them out. And you know what, if they still don't like your attitude, own it! Wear it like you're proud, and if they still give you shit; turn around and sock 'em in the face!

I found out today just how stupid I feel everybody is in most of my classes. They don't know shit, most likely because they don't pay attention to the teacher. I'm a nerd, and I don't care what you say about me.

If you don't like it, screw off.

I. Don't. Give. A. Shit.

Birthday

It's my birthday today.

I got birthday wishes from everyone I know, except for the one person I was hoping would.

No, she didn't.

But that's okay, I'm sure this dead feeling in the pit of my stomach will go away sooner or later.

Note to self: Sarcasm doesn't translate well over the internet.

Edit Note: Also, note to self: Do NOT inhale soda!

Dear You

Run and hide,
I'll be there when you get home.
You can cry,
I'm not gonna up and go.
Truth and lies,
You don't stand a chance alone,
Too far gone,
Distant eyes,
So much missing from your smile.

Dear You,
Don't give in,
It's worth it in the end.
Oh child,
Don't give up.
You're beautiful,
You'll find your love.
I may not know how you feel,
But I can help you through.
I know all wounds will heal.
Cause I've walked a mile in your shoes,
But even though I try.
I can't see through your eyes.

Fill a void,
With every piece of hope.
Have some poise,
I don't want you to lose control.
It may be wrong,
But all pain lasts this long.
Just move on,
Don't fall back,
Just believe that love can last.

Dear You,
Don't give in,
It's worth it in the end.
Oh child,
Don't give up.
You're beautiful,
You'll find your love.
I may not know how you feel,
But I can help you through.
I know all wounds will heal.
Cause I've walked a mile in your shoes,
But even though I try.
I can't see through your eyes.

She believed,
He lied.
But if he regrets it,
You can smile.
Knowing everytime he sees your face,
He drowns in guilt from all your pain.

Dear You,
Don't give in,
It's worth it in the end.
Oh child,
Don't give up.
You're beautiful,
You'll find your love.
I may not know how you feel,
But I can help you through.
I know all wounds will heal.
Cause I've walked a mile in your shoes,
But even though I try.
I can't see through your eyes.

Today is the day of lonely

It's these type of days that define my darkness. I love the people in my life, I honestly do, but I don't need your advice. You think you're helping me but you're only hurting me. I'm so lonely I was actually considering calling the boy who broke my heart to come over and hang out with me. I didn't, thank god. But the fact that thoughts like that actually run through my mind is disturbing. I'm taking a giant leap backwards, after taking only three meer baby-steps forward.

I miss her.

I need her.

Yeah, I know time heals all wounds, but little time has passed. I still get tears in my eyes whenever she walks by without a backwards glance. Whenever looks back, she looks at me like I'm a lost cause.

And I know that you say she's not a real friend for hurting me like this, but I can't help it.

She is, and always will be, my best friend.

Look before you jump

Look before you jump head first into love.

Rise before you dive 'cause you'll always be enough.

Swept up off your feet and you feel so safe and sound.

Held so tight in such strong arms you'll never feel left out.

But when they let go you're falling

And you're falling

Falling

Falling

Falling down.

And the only person there to catch you is the ground.

Shattered into pieces no one but yourself could mend.

And when you meet another

It starts over again.

I miss you

Jessica, if you're reading this; I'm sorry you think that my caring for you is just so goddamn wrong, but I won't stop, even if you do. You weren't only my best friend, but you were my sister. Best friends come and go, but sisters always come back. Maybe when you finally realize that I'm right, when the inevitable happens and he breaks your heart, like I told you he would, maybe then you'll come back and ask for my forgiveness. Or maybe not. I don't know anymore. I don't even think I know you anymore.

But that won't stop me from missing you.

I miss you.

...

I've spent three years battling this darkness, and after three long hard years of fighting to keep my life, this darkness still has a hold of me. And it's tightening it's grip, and it's pulling me under. I'm so scared. Because now I have no one there to keep me from hurting myself. I miss my body guard.

C for Cheater

"What does being cheated on feel like?"

Like every bone in your body is being ripped apart and your head is exploding reapetedly, all while simultaneously your spine is being shoved down your throat. And you cry, and cry, and cry. And your heart hurts. You actually feel pain in your chest, although there is no internal cause, it's your mind inflicting pain onto yourself out of affliction. But no matter what the cause is the pain is still there.

And then when you don't think you can take it anymore, and you feel hopeless and lost, you try to call him and he doesn't answer his phone. Then you feel trapped, like every day is just another repeat, and you'll never get out of your daily rut. But you gradually start to feel better, you can finally sleep, you're finally eating, and going back to whatever it is that you love to do so much, whether is be writting, singing, painting, playing an instrument, dancing, or reading.

But all of the sudden they come back around, just when you think you're over them. And they pick and poke and bother you until they get a responce. Then they have the nerve to tell you they miss you, and that's when you assume he's lying, and that he never really loved you all along. And you try to figure out where everything went wrong, and you end up with a list that's two-thousand pages long, never stopping to think maybe it was him and not yourself.

Then you wonder to yourself what you did to deserve this. You never did anything bad, so karma should like you. But no, appearently not. So now you're watching him actually love another woman, and you feel so disgusted with yourself and your envy that you just feel like dropping to the ground right then and there and praying to God to take away your life. But you get better, with the help of true friends and true smiles always cheering you up.

Then you're thinking about how they never saw the tears, and they never felt the pain you felt. Because we all automatically assume that they do, which makes it so hard to forgive. Then you realize that they might be hurt also, and you realize that if they weren't there, then they don't know, they don't understand.

I'm still so angry he didn't right the wrongs he had done.

"They can walk a mile in your shoes, but they can never really look through your eyes."

Mistake of Mr. Fuck Up

You know what you did wrong? When she was trying to find you, to talk to you, you did what all men do best; you ran and hid. And when she finally snapped out of her silent reverie and realized you weren't worth it, you came back around, begging for forgiveness. It's too late darling. Her eyes are set on another man now, so I suggest you learn from your mistake and move on.

Sad but true stories of car accidents

There were three cars involved in a serious crash that happened yesterday off of Spring Boro Pike. One careless driver was talking on his cell phone and fishing around in his wallet. Without looking he ran a red light and slammed into another car that was sent sprawling the other way. That car hit another car stopped in a parking lot and was sent into the wall of a shopping center the parking lot belonged to. There were at least forty different calls regarding the same incident reported that evening to 911.

After the police and ambulance arrived, a little girl who was trapped inside the car was set free. They loaded her dead mother into the ambulance. The little girl walked up to the man who was responsible for this crash and started screaming at him; "Who do you think you are? You murderer! You killed my mother. The only mother I’ll ever have!"

As a result, the man responsible for the crash angrily stormed off to his barely damaged car, and started to drive away. What he hadn't realized was that the little girl was still there, squatting in the middle of the road and crying. As he started to drive off, he hit the little girl in the middle of the road and sent her body onto his windsheild. The two other victims in the car that hit the little girl's car had also died, and the man held responsible was sentenced with ten years in prison for third degree murder.
___________________________________________________________________

A pregnant woman and her happily married husband were out one evening to a nice dinner in a decent restaurant. After they had eaten, the two got to talking. Unfortunately talking soon turned into fighting, and the pregant woman stormed off to her car. The man had tried to chase her to tell her that he loved her, but by the time he got the check paid his wife had already sped off. He tried to call her, but she didn't pick up. So he called her again, and called her every five minutes for the next three hours.

As the wife was driving, a couple of intoxicated college students were swerving on the road, and the driver was falling asleep behind the wheel. The car veered to the right where the wife was driving and hit her car, thus sending it pivoting into the freeway, flipping onto the grass next to it and down the sharp incline. After three long hours of trying to reach his wife, someone finally picked up; it was the paramedic, loading his dead wife into the ambulance.

He didn't even get to tell her that he loved her.

**Drive safe folks**

I'm done with you

"You're tearing us apart, don't you get it?" You're tearing me apart. Don't you see me? Well I don't care anymore. If you ever need a friend that will be there for you, like I was, talk to him. If you ever need someone's opinion, like I provided, ask him. If you ever need to get away from your family and spill all of you're secrets, maybe the ones you never told me, go to him. Because if he hurts you, or when he hurts you rather, I'll be somewhere else.

Throwing away a friendship over a guy is just plain ignorant and selfish. True friends don't do that. I knew that you weren't, I just didn't want to believe it. But now I know it. For certain. You don't have to be my friend, I won't force you to if you don't want to. I'd like to be friends. But not best friends. I won't tell you any more secrets, I won't bother you with any more problems. But we can talk. If you don't, however, you can hate me. I don't care anymore.

I cried. Yes. You were the last person to make me cry. I will continue to cry. But our friendship is over.

I'll keep your secrets safe within my skin, and I only hope you'll do the same with mine. We never speak of this again. I'm done. Goodbye.

Invisible

Sometimes I wish I could dissapear to see the reactions of all the people in my life. So I counted all of the possible candidates I thought would miss me the most, and came up with three people. None of which are related to me. Devin, Sam, and Kristen. That's all I can come up with.

Not Jessica. Not my own mother. Not my own brother. Not even my own father.

Just three really great friends.

Sometimes I feel like I'm invisible, and the only people who notice me are the people who talk to me. Sure my family talks to me, but with no concern, not even empathy, which is all I ask for. I feel like an empty shell that's held together by stiches that curve my lips upward. A smile. Not even a real smile. It's true though. I have to force my lips to curl to make others believe that the invincible girl they think I am is going to be okay.

I don't even believe my own lie.

I was fine at school last year. I was fine this summer. But now, this huge public school I'm going to makes me feel invisible. Too many people and too little attention from the teachers. They don't give a shit about anyone. No one at that God forsaken school does, other than the three people I named above. Not even whom I thought to be my best friend.

I hate feeling betrayed, and backstabbed.

So I swore to myself I would never do that to anyone else.

I'll just be invisible.

I'm content with that....

Kind of.

Remember this

A Privilege

A privilege I had,
Beside me at times.
My word that I kept,
Through laughs and through cries.

At the end of the tunnel,
I found a light.
Blinded by faith,
Let down by sight.

Fooled once again,
To keep this wish,
I keep my word,
But broke a promise.

Theives at my back,
Not warded off,
Stab me and wound me,
With my body gaurd gone.

You're missed so dearly,
Too many secrets to keep.
Too much I can't tell,
For I'm much too weak.

Remember Walmart? Remember Mangoes and Peahces? Remember Ryan Ross and Keltie Colleen? Remember Brendon Urie? Remember Milk Duds? Remember A Fever You Can't Sweat Out? Remeber Cute Is What We Aim For? Remember Pom-Poms? Remember The Slut Dance? Remember Poptarts? Remember Blogging? Remember Ethiopian Kids? Remember Bulgaria? Remember seven years of really great friendship?

I hope you do.


Because I'll never forget.

What...The...FUCK?!

I'm disowning myself. I'm not me anymore. This is just a body. A worthless empty shell I'll use to store all of my emotions. I'll be looking at myself from beside me, behind me, or above me. I'll be blank. A blank outer shell, and a heart broken soul that watches over it so it isn't damaged.

Yesterday I asked my best friend's boyfriend to teach me guitar. What I didn't know was that my best friend would take that offensively. So now she somehow got the thought in her head that I'm jealous of her. But I could never EVER be jealous of her. She's my bestie for Christ's sake! Just like Keltie said; that all of us are in the center of a web that we weave around all the awesome people in our life. And if the web is vibrating with positive energy, I'll be better also. So I could never be jealous of her or her boyfriend.

This girl means the world to me okay? She's not only my best friend, but my mentor. The one and only person I can go to for anything, and she won't judge me or criticize me. I hope you have a friend like that. If you do, would you ever want to lose them? No. I'm losing her, and it's not fun. It's not fair. So I hope you understand how much she means to me. Because that's being taken from me, and then I'll have nothing.

This isn't fair.

So now I'm blank. I don't care anymore.

School

Sorry I have been MIA. School started Tuesday, and there's been so much going on around me I almost forgot I had a blog. School is going great. I already have a crush (go figure) and I love most of my teachers. The school may be a bit confusing, but at least it's better then MVA.

So I guess I'll keep you updated (those two people who follow my blog. Whoo -.-) with school and what not.

See ya, piece!

Goodbye is just a word unless there's meaning that lies behind it.

To The Stone

I've been walking on thin ice.
Trying to forget my dreams.
Sang to me in whispers,
Played away by the symphony.

I caught up to the wind.
Passing by with leafs in her hair.
She walks with the flowers on a sunday morning.
I was the only one there.

To the stone.
To the grave.
To the candle flickering.
To the fire dwindling down.
To the dirt.
To the mud.
To the absence of your heart.
To the silence that speaks so loud.

I've been walking on eggshells.
Pleasing the kings and queens.
My memories sing to me.
In the prettiest melodies.

I told the emptyness to go away.
Because I didn't want to be full out.
He said, "I'm sorry darling.
What goes around comes around."

To the stone.
To the grave.
To the candle flickering.
To the fire dwindling down.
To the dirt.
To the mud.
To the absence of your heart.
To the silence that speaks so loud.

The light inside,
Dies while I,
Cry.
Life isn't fair.
The tunnel ends.
Where it began.
But no one seems to care.

I said to the misery,
"If you want a companion.
Look to others.
Don't look at me.
I would never give in."

To the sun.
To the stars.
To the love inside our hearts.
To the clouds.
To the rain.
This isn't pleasant pain.

To the stone.
To the grave.
To the candle flickering.
To the fire dwindling down.
To the dirt.
To the mud.
To the absence of your heart.
To the silence that speaks so loud.

To the sky.
Hear my cries.
Forever is a lie.
Where to begin?
Yes I've sinned.
And oh what chaos this has been.

But I won't give in.

Ms. Heartache

I know you feel as though the universe has this sort of devine plan for everyone, and that everything happens for a reason, but what if you're wrong? What if nothing happens for a reason, and we were left as microscopic aniba in a filthy cesspool, given the option to sink or swim? Or, maybe the universe does have a plan for everyone, but nothing happens for a reason. Maybe that plan was written, and rewritten so many times because of the decisions we make that only making the decisions the plan already had you making were to fix it.

What if you're not strong enough to make those decisions? You could be brave, competent, and confident, but the truth is; we're only as strong as the shell we put ourselves into, and the mask we make to hide our protective shell. What if you are strong enough, but the opprotunity has already vanished? Your wounds have healed, but scars can be reopened. It's sad to say that you have won most of the battles. This war you have waged against your own heart is coming to an abrupt halt, dwindling down like fire in a fireplace, burning the last piece of ember, and flickering to complete and utter emptiness.

Devil

Raining from the clouds,
Rimmed in silver linnings.
Fell from above.
Grey skies are crying.
Around in a circle.
Metal skeletons.
He tightened his grip,
On the souls who have sinned.
They chanted in numbers.
What a rancorous being.
Looked to the angles,
And fled from the scene.
Born in the heavens,
He fell from the sky.
They took his soul,
And he took his own life.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4jPbOHBPpvY

Just watch it.

XD

Thank You Again

I never did thank any of you for saving my life. Whenever I worked up the nerve to swallow the pills, you're always there to reinforce the scarce good that this world has left. At least that's something to live for. There are no beautiful suicides. Just heartbroken bastards with cold souls and shit in their minds. So I wanted to take the time to thank those of you who helped me put the bottle of pills down.

Thank you; Jessica.

Thank you; Mommy

Thank you; Daddy

Thank you; Aunt Angie

Thank you; Grandma

Thank you; Grandpa

Thank you; Autumn B.

Thank you; Hayley

Thank you; Bobert

Thank you; Keltie

Thank you; Mary

Thank you; Ms. Lockhart (Mrs. King)

Thank you; Mrs. C

You all are the reason I'm still breathing.

Thank you.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PkGamhmwbpI&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O5ZbP0pkwTQ&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VN5KNwzhbUw&feature=related

Colorful Poem?

She fell to the ground,

And was set in motion.

She was so determined,

With great devotion.

I’ve never seen,

Such beautiful emotion,

Fill blue eyes.

She danced with the wind,

And swayed like the flowers.

Spent most of her heart,

Breaking by the hour.

But she smiled at the people,

And stood like a tower,

No one could define.

Got Brains?

I don't know anything anymore. Well sure, I have a wide-ranged vocabulary, and maybe I know a thing or two about psychology or music, but when it comes to this giant mud ball we all like to call a planet; I'm just plain dumb.

That won't stop me from trying to know everything possible there is to know before I start crossing lines and upsetting others. I want to know who, what, when, where, and why. That's pretty simple, right?

Wrong.

Learning this knowledge isn't going to be as easy as taking notes and studying them like you do at school. I may be told this infromation, but understanding it and/or understanding others' is like trying to shove a square box into a rounded hole. Not easy.

So I'll go to school. And I'll stay in school. And I'll graduate. Then I'll go out and travel, to see the world as it is in reality. Harsh, cruel, and coarse. And then I'll come back home to share my knowledge.

I take pride in my intelligence, in my intellectual abilities.

And I will continue to.

A single Rose

A single rose is still.
Fallen to its will.
Floating to a sleep.
A single rose will dream.

Raindrops tell tall tales.
This path leaves no trail.
At the forest brink.
Raindrops fall in sync.

No man hears the cries.
Beneathe the silver skies.
Above this waterfall.
No man owns it all.

Desolated grounds.
Memories safe and sound.
Color drained complexions.
Desolated sections.

These veins seep scarlet lies.
Betrayal fills blue eyes.
Where lies dormant tears?
These veins rid me of fears.

Oh sweet sadness.
Oh glorious madness.
Oh sacred scars.
Oh wounded hearts.

How do thy surrender?
Succumb to thee forever.

The only difference between me and you is everything.

Listen

Maybe the answer lies within friendship.

It's the only way she'll remain in your life.

It's selfish.

But asking for forgiveness isn't a sign of weakness, or vulnerability, or insecurities.

Asking for forgiveness is a sign of maturity.

Guilt is a sign of humanity.

Forgiveness won't bring sympathy, or pity.

Forgiveness brings empathy.

All steady relationships are built on trust.

The only way to regain her trust is to prove yourself truthworthy.

Speak.

Listen.

Listen carefully.

Build friendship.

Most of the time steady relationships consist of friends who have each other's backs.

But love each other all the same.

Seldom do relationships that were rushed work out.

Rarely are relationships fixed completely.

But friendships are somewhat easier to mend.

Friendships are somewhat easier to build.


Listen to me.

Mr. Fuck Up

My respect for you is gone.

I can't remember why I even had any in the first place.

The way you write changed.

Your sense of humor, your wit, you way of thinking, speaking, it all changed.

You're not you. The you I wanted to get to know.


You're now him. Mr. Fuck Up. You're with her. Ms. Whore.


Ms. Heartache didn't change.



Why did you go and throw away everything you worked so hard for? You put years of blood and sweat into it and then threw it all away. I still hadn't lost my respect. Not all of it. But now, your hopelessness, your arrogance, it all pisses me off. Your new peice of shit, are you going to turn that into what you had before? No one gives a shit about you anymore. They care about the drama.

Grow up.

You are no longer my inspiration. I no longer want to write like you.

I want to write like him. I want to write like Mr. Ryan Ross.

Not Mr. Fuck Up.

Fuck change

Why do we have to care about things? Can't we just be emotionless? Bastard coated bastards with bastard fillings. I wish we weren't so attatched to everything we know, everything we see. I wish we didn't have to care about anything. So when something goes wrong, when someone leaves your life for good, we aren't hurt. I wish tears never existed.



I hate how people change. I wish everyone would just stay the same. Or if they change, I wish they would change for the better, not the worse. If you had to, then couldn't you have become better? Fuck you, Mr. Fuck Up. Fuck you, Ms. Heartache. I'm sitting here bawling my eyes out for something that doesn't even concern me. It's none of my business. So why do I care?

Fuck change. Fuck caring. Fuck pain. Fuck tears. Fuck heartache. Fuck life.

Why the hell do I care?

Odd Poem

Fire of one thousand words.
Burning bridges,
Shutting doors.
Once in a life time.
Make a wish.
Sixteen candles can't commit.
Crossing fingers.
No more time.
Out of sight,
Out of mind.
Glossy eyes,
Choke back tears.
Bite your tongue and dissapear.
Check for rain.
Dance in streets.
Love the music,
Love the beat.
See a cat,
Cross it's path.
Fear it's power,
Fear it's wrath.
In the court,
Call him out.
All in favor,
All in doubt?
Who remains,
Undecided?
Keep your head.
Not delighted.
Spill the beans.
Clean 'em up.
Tell the truth.
You'll get good luck.
Karma comes.
Karma goes.
Karma thinks.
Karma knows.

The Boy Who Meant "Sorry!"

No relationships are perfect. But what makes them beautiful is the fact you're willing to stick with your relationship through the ups and the downs without ever taking your hand out of theirs. Relationships and love are beautiful, wonderful things. So why would you give up on something that extraordinary? How could you call something that great a shamble? There is no such thing as a shamble of a real relationship. Every relationship is real. And if you think that relationship was a shamble, then the relationship you're in now is also a shamble.

It pisses me off that you're willing to give up on something so beautiful by the drop of a hat. So he fucked up. Every relationship is fucked up. Everyone in a relationship has their own faults and flaws. But love is accepting those faults and flaws and moving on.

And oh my god how could you think he doesn't mean it when he says he's sorry? HE'S SORRY! He loves you. I'm pretty sure he does. And how could you believe something so ridiculous as the fact he's only sorry he got caught. He feels guilty for hurting you! Not for getting caught.

You say he has so many versions of the truth that you just stopped believing him a while ago. Well think of it this way; if "I love you," and "I'm sorry," are in every version of the truth, chances are; it's the truth. He misses you. He loves you. He's sorry.

You're the selfish one! You're intentions are selfish! He's begging for your forgiveness and you say he doesn't mean it because you don't want to be hurt again! You're hurting him! Can you not see that? Learn to forgive and forget.

And you, Mr. Fuck Up, if she's worth it, pick up that battle axe.

Jesus fucking Christ.

Stop it.

I'm Done

I'm done fighting for something I don't believe I can save. This war you waged to stay embedded in my thoughts and dreams is over. I will not take you back. Because cheating isn't a matter of lust, nor is it a matter of anger. Cheating is weakness. It's the rush of drama you get from the initicial exciment. It doesn't matter who you are, who you know, what you know, where you work, how big your mucles are, it just doesn't matter. You can be the buffest man in the entire world, but if you cheat, you're weak. It's like saying you can't refuse a naked woman, even though the one you love, and hold dearest, is sitting at home, waiting for your return.

You can't change that. No matter how hard you try, once a cheater, always a cheater. And to come to me and say that I need you, is uspeakable, and frankly, arrogant. You are a weak man trapped inside a strong man's shell, hidden in the shadows of your ego. And you're a selfish, downright rude narcissistic bastard. I do not like cheaters. I do not like liers. And for god fucking sake, drop the condescending attitude Mr. Perfect. No one likes a cocky asshole. And you can say whatever the fuck you want, I don't give a damn. Do you know what I feel when I look at you? Nothing. I feel no romantic emotions towards you whatsoever.

If I get my heart broken once, it's your fault.

If I get my heart broken twice, It's my fault.

Leave Me Alone

What did I expect to see when I got on the internet? That something had changed? That you changed your mind? You didn't. Everything is still the same. I feel so dreadfully lost I can hardly breathe. Why the fuck do I care so much about this? It doesn't involve me, nor will it ever involve me. Why the fuck am I stuck with this? I hate this feeling.

So you found another, then there were three.
And she found another, then there were four.

And I've yet to find someone, so there remains one.

This isn't a love triangle, this is a love square. And a fucked up square to say the least.

"You crawl into my brain like a bug, and you burrow so deep into my mind, I have to wage a war to get you out. And oh this is not a win-lose situation. It's a lose-lose situation. I lose either way. I may have won this battle, but the war is still occurring. And you're putting up one hell of a fight my friend. I want you to stay, but I don't. Get out of my skin."

Am I that lonely?

Everything I see. Everything I hear. Everywhere I go. Everyone I know. Everyone I don't. There's you. And you just won't leave me alone. You just won't get out of my skin. And I don't even know you. Which makes it harder.

Then there were four.

But there remains one.