The Boy Who Meant "Sorry!"

No relationships are perfect. But what makes them beautiful is the fact you're willing to stick with your relationship through the ups and the downs without ever taking your hand out of theirs. Relationships and love are beautiful, wonderful things. So why would you give up on something that extraordinary? How could you call something that great a shamble? There is no such thing as a shamble of a real relationship. Every relationship is real. And if you think that relationship was a shamble, then the relationship you're in now is also a shamble.

It pisses me off that you're willing to give up on something so beautiful by the drop of a hat. So he fucked up. Every relationship is fucked up. Everyone in a relationship has their own faults and flaws. But love is accepting those faults and flaws and moving on.

And oh my god how could you think he doesn't mean it when he says he's sorry? HE'S SORRY! He loves you. I'm pretty sure he does. And how could you believe something so ridiculous as the fact he's only sorry he got caught. He feels guilty for hurting you! Not for getting caught.

You say he has so many versions of the truth that you just stopped believing him a while ago. Well think of it this way; if "I love you," and "I'm sorry," are in every version of the truth, chances are; it's the truth. He misses you. He loves you. He's sorry.

You're the selfish one! You're intentions are selfish! He's begging for your forgiveness and you say he doesn't mean it because you don't want to be hurt again! You're hurting him! Can you not see that? Learn to forgive and forget.

And you, Mr. Fuck Up, if she's worth it, pick up that battle axe.

Jesus fucking Christ.

Stop it.

I'm Done

I'm done fighting for something I don't believe I can save. This war you waged to stay embedded in my thoughts and dreams is over. I will not take you back. Because cheating isn't a matter of lust, nor is it a matter of anger. Cheating is weakness. It's the rush of drama you get from the initicial exciment. It doesn't matter who you are, who you know, what you know, where you work, how big your mucles are, it just doesn't matter. You can be the buffest man in the entire world, but if you cheat, you're weak. It's like saying you can't refuse a naked woman, even though the one you love, and hold dearest, is sitting at home, waiting for your return.

You can't change that. No matter how hard you try, once a cheater, always a cheater. And to come to me and say that I need you, is uspeakable, and frankly, arrogant. You are a weak man trapped inside a strong man's shell, hidden in the shadows of your ego. And you're a selfish, downright rude narcissistic bastard. I do not like cheaters. I do not like liers. And for god fucking sake, drop the condescending attitude Mr. Perfect. No one likes a cocky asshole. And you can say whatever the fuck you want, I don't give a damn. Do you know what I feel when I look at you? Nothing. I feel no romantic emotions towards you whatsoever.

If I get my heart broken once, it's your fault.

If I get my heart broken twice, It's my fault.

Leave Me Alone

What did I expect to see when I got on the internet? That something had changed? That you changed your mind? You didn't. Everything is still the same. I feel so dreadfully lost I can hardly breathe. Why the fuck do I care so much about this? It doesn't involve me, nor will it ever involve me. Why the fuck am I stuck with this? I hate this feeling.

So you found another, then there were three.
And she found another, then there were four.

And I've yet to find someone, so there remains one.

This isn't a love triangle, this is a love square. And a fucked up square to say the least.

"You crawl into my brain like a bug, and you burrow so deep into my mind, I have to wage a war to get you out. And oh this is not a win-lose situation. It's a lose-lose situation. I lose either way. I may have won this battle, but the war is still occurring. And you're putting up one hell of a fight my friend. I want you to stay, but I don't. Get out of my skin."

Am I that lonely?

Everything I see. Everything I hear. Everywhere I go. Everyone I know. Everyone I don't. There's you. And you just won't leave me alone. You just won't get out of my skin. And I don't even know you. Which makes it harder.

Then there were four.

But there remains one.

I hate you now

You grew up in the eyes of the public. You were praised when you acomplished something big, and you were pitied when you failed. You were given sympathy when you did wrong, and you were forgiven way too easily. You walked down the road so many people travel it almost like a path made of diverse footprints, but you were one of the only one's who didn't turn their heads around to see what they were missing. You lost your best friend, and you threw away a perfectly good relationship for lust, and when you apologized the public pitied you, and hated your lost significant other.

I don't know how, or why, but you were luckier then most. But still, given the chance, I wouldn't throw away anything for fortune and fame. I want to grow up in the eyes of my parents. I don't want to take the easy way out of anything. I want to get lectures and lessons, and learn from other's mistakes, because I know I won't live long enough to make them all myself. I want to take that eerie little path on the side of the road everyone else is too afriad to go down. I will leave my finger prints on the hearts of those I truly love and care about, and vise versa.

But when I am old enough, and mature enough to face the critisism and discrimination without becoming arrogant and condescending, I will look back at my childhood, and adolescence, and young adulthood, and I will be thankful no one other then those who care about me where watching. And you my friend, now that you have matured in the eyes of the public, and you have finally found yourself; do you look back and wish you could have had a little bit more time to grow up? Now look at yourself. Look what they have created.

An ego...

Growing Up

Growing up:
Bestfriends become enemies.
Lillipops become cigarettes.
Innocence becomes ignorance.
Virgins turn into sluts.
Homework goes in the trash.
Detention becomes suspension.
Soda becomes Vodka.
Undies become G-strings.
Hugs turn into kisses.
Kisses turn into sex.

Remember:
When getting high meant swinging on the playground?
When protection meant wearing a helmet?
When the worst thing you could get from boys was cooties?
When your worst enemies were your siblings?
When race issues were about who ran the fastest?
When war was only a card game?
When the only drug you knew was cough medicine?
When wearing a skirt didn't make you a slut?
When The only things that hurt were skinned knees?
When goodbye only meant until tomorrow?

To think we couldn't wait to grow up.

Instruction Manuel

So what if you screw up? So what if you make mistakes? Life didn't come with instructions. There are so many different roads to take, so many opportunities, and a thousand more possible outcomes that come from those choices. There isn't an instruction manuel you're born with to get you through life. You have to take best guesses, follow your dreams, make the best possible decisions you can, and hope to God it leads you were you want to be lead.

Life is a maze. If you screw up and take the wrong road with a dead end, just retrace your steps and start all over. Just don't take that same road, that would be repeating your mistake, not learning from it. When you were a baby, and you touched something hot and it burned your hand (or insert body part here), did you touch it again? No. Because it hurt you, and you don't want to feel that pain again.

Everything in life is almost exactly like that. If you get your heart broken by a low class, scum bag are you going to trust him/her with your heart again? No. If you take a dead end job and your boss fires you for no appearant reason, are you going to take that same dead end job again? No.

No. You're not going to repeat the same mistakes. You're going to learn from them and move on.

Although letting go might be a very rough patch it the moving on process, once you loosen your grip, everything will seem much easier. Despite the fact every little desicion changes who you are as a person.

Right or left? Up or down? 5:30 or 6:30. Desicions, desicions.

Who cares if you make the wrong desicion?

It's your life.

Live it the way you think it should be lived.

No more fighting

So what; is giving up the only answer you could possibly come up with now? Is that it? You just gave up? I looked up to you. To find yourself and to find your place. You did. I don't like it. I guess we can't all love everyone we lay our eyes on. But I liked you. And I know it's sort of selfish to wish maybe finding your place in this god forsaken hell hole could've helped me find my place.

I was wrong.

You just gave up on former love because you didn't want to feel the pain that rides alongside the pleasure? EVERYONE feels it. Not just you. Not just me. Everyone. And you know what, I'm not giving up on my former love. I'm not selfish. And you were alomost right, but you'll never know until you find out.

But one of my former loves proves a good point. Maybe you feel the same way about him that I feel about B. I may like him as a friend, but whenever I'm around him there are no romantic feelings I have that are aimed towards him anymore. He cheated on me with my best friend, but even when I found out I didn't care. He broke my heart before that, and I lost every feeling of love (or what I thought was love) I had for him.

Maybe B and I are you and him.

I hope not. I hope you still love him. I hope that low class, wanna-be retro, narcisisstic whore gets what's coming to her. I hope he still loves you. But no. You gave up. He gave up. He gave up first.

You just.... Gave up.

No more waging wars against your own heart. No more silently whispering, "I wish things were different." No more crying at night because you have no one beside you in your bed. Nothing.

You could have won the war. You could have screamed the whisper. You could have called. He should've called. But he gave up.

What If...

"Once a cheater, always a cheater. In a womans' eyes, a cheater is a weak man, and to take back someone who has done something unspeakable, then that would just be repeating the cycle. Your goal in life is to make mistakes and learn from them, not repeat the same mistakes over and over again." - My very own mother.

I almost comprehend. Weakness is a good reason to not take back a cheater, but what if that cheater can change? Well now I'm just bullshitting you. My mom is correct, once a cheater, always a cheater. No changes can be made.

But what if you do take him back and he doesn't cheat on you again? You may be taking back a man who wobbles at the knees whenever a girl walks in, but hey, maybe you can pick their jaw up off the floor for them.

Keltie, do you remember your post, "What If..."? That one about what if this time you were right. What if this time I'm right? What if you give Ryan another chance, to at least be your friend. You don't have to take it further then that. What if he didn't do the same thing to you? What if the cycle doesn't repeat? What if he actually (this will never happen) did change? Would you give him another chance then?

What if it does repeat? Big scenario, simple answer. Walk away and never look back.



But that's only what if.



What if this time, I'm right?

Life Wins

Life Wins

Play your cards, life.
You always win.
I'll just take my best guesses.
I take risks while gamblin'.
I still don't know where it will end.
Play with my heart, life.
Make me fall,
Head over the heels you gave me.
I'll loose it all,
And gain it all back.
Slow down time please,
Give me some slack.
Play with my mind, life.
It's not all fairytail princess.
Butterflies and kisses.
Unicorns and rainbows,
Flying over chimney smoke.
It's all of that reversed and,
We just make life worse I,
Can't seem to understand.
I just lost the bet.
I guess I'll just fold,
The dice has been rolled.
We already know who wins.

One second in,
All our life we're diggin'.
Graves for us all,
To the world we're so small.
Making mountains out of mole hills.
Waging wars we have to lose.
Life is a bag,
We're all mixed together.
You have to comprehend,
We just can't live forever.
And we already know,
Who wins.

Play a little game, life.
Put together a puzzle.
We're all pieces of a whole.
And most of us fit,
But some of us don't.
Cast them off,
Out on their own.
They'll end up,
Where all of us won't.
Take a deep breath, life.
Inhale the lie,
That is our power.
But we're losing our life,
By the hour.
The face of the clock,
Seems so sincere.
But the hands of time,
Cause poise and tears.
Play with our lives, life.
Time is an illusion.
Change is a repeat.
No need to be redundant.
It's life we cannot beat.
We already know who wins.

One second in,
All our life we're diggin'.
Graves for us all,
To the world we're so small.
Making mountains out of mole hills.
Waging wars we have to lose.
Life is a bag,
We're all mixed together.
You have to comprehend,
We just can't live forever.
And we already know,
Who wins.

I've tried so hard.
I'll place my last bet.
I place two more years,
And you place death.
Well it's too late.
I'll lose this hand.
We already know,
Oh, we already know,
Who wins.

One second in,
All our life we're diggin'.
Graves for us all,
To the world we're so small.
Making mountains out of mole hills.
Waging wars we have to lose.
Life is a bag,
We're all mixed together.
You have to comprehend,
We just can't live forever.
And we already know,
Oh, we already know.
Yeah, we already know;
Life wins.

This song is very true; we can win wars against other countries, and we can win fights with our best friends, but Life is the one thing we cannot beat. We all have to die someday, So I say stop battling death and let what will come to you come to you and let that be the end of it. Can't we just forget about waging wars on others and ourselves just for one second to realize here who the real enemy/alli is? Life. Hey. Life Wins.

Timeless

Timeless

Rest within the hands of time,
Seek comfort in it's face.
It's rimmed in golden wood,
And wrapped up in fringed lace.

The pendulum swing beneath,
And the beautiful chime,

Rings music in our ears.
The symphony of the time.

Withhold this piece of music,
Ceased right before the hour.
Lost to valuable forces.
Frozen timeless with great power.

Sign Fails

SIGN FAILS!!!

Swift

"All you wanted was to be wanted." - Taylor Swift.

"Every smile you fake is so condescending counting all the scars you've made." - Taylor Swift.

"It was a moment of weakness, and you said yes. You should've said no." - Taylor Swift.

"I'm alone, on my own, and that's all I know." - Take a wild guess.

This chick is inspirational. So I'm 'featuring' her on my stupid little useless blog today. Started out at fifteen (I know, kinda ironic being that one of my quotes is from the song "Fifteen") years old, and even though she was subdued to a society of whores and what not, she stuck true to herself and to her fans. Unlike Miley Cirus, Selena Gomez, and/or other people I know (cough, cough, Z Berg).

My point, might you ask? Oh, right, you're not asking, because you don't care. But my point is; that chick writes songs about life, that really don't follow in pop star/country folk footsteps (In other words, she's not cliche) and her songs are actually true. I wish, just a wild random wish here, that I could write like that. Songs about life that aren't cliche! That's just awesome! It's like....RYAN ROSS. But I can make every day situations that have nothing to do with Ryan about....well.....Ryan. So that doesn't really count.

But Taylor, I love you. Don't turn into a whore please.

Relationships

Yesterday I sat in my room and cried myself to sleep. I don't even know why. I guess because I heard a song yesterday that reminded me of....well.....us. Of you two. Jessica hasn't had any contact with me in weeks, so I was starting to feel awfully lonely. Now she's coming over, today, and we're sure to have a blast once again. But I wrote two songs. Infidelity and Another Chance. Both about, well....infidelity. Except one ends with taking that ignorant infidel back (Yeah I know, stupid choice). I wish all relationships were fixed after breakups that consist of cheating or lying. I've been through it. It ain't fun."I'll hold your hand and never look back. We'll walk where honesty is absent, and only futility attends. Where lies and sins are made at the pulpit, instead of forgiven. Where the pews remain empty, except for one fellow who has nothing but love left to lose. We'll venture so far in the forest of odiousness and irreverence that offence will have fallen into our daily rut. I'll hold your hand in this relationship, based on infidelity, based on so many lies and so much sarcasm, it would be ironic we actually fell in love. This is not a relationship. This is hatred."

-- Me

Forever

Forever

Forever isn't as long as it used to be.

Then: Forever was eternity.

Forever was: 'till death do us part.

I shall but love thee better after death.

Now: Forever is tomorrow.

In a week.

In a month.

The correct definition in the new generation dictionary is:

After that night.

Autumn or Summer

Autumn or Summer

O're the morning's mist,

A girl sits in merry bliss.

Where no mature rapture,

Has a bad emotion captured.

And thy witness will agree.

A summer's day is good to thee.

But Autumn sprouts hazel leafs.

On the yonder maple tree.