aaaaand sigh

Today, I sang for the Ice cream Social, which is this pathetic fund-raising event held in the cafeteria of my high shcool. See, the point is, to have live "entertainment" singing for you while you eat ice cream and talk about how bad of a choir we are. And we are. We are horrible. We were the first to go on, and the worst there to sing. But that's not my point. My point is:
Before my choir went on, I was just dilly-dallying around, since we went on at 4 and I had arrived at 3. But in the cafeteria, as I walked over to my somber little corner where I sat and did absolutely nothing but look creepily out of the window, I walked through a spot where somebody had sprayed AXE. My mind was reeling. I guess I was trying to remember something, because I had this sudden feeling of...of I don't even know. Just a feeling that I couldn't place, that vanished as soon as it had appeared.
Then it hit me: Dorian. That was the cologne that Dorian had always worn. Always. And my mind was trying to remember a time I had spent with him, but I had blocked it because I don't really like thinking of my ex-boyfriends all too much. The smell had nauseated me, but as it turned out, when I lost Dorian, I found the smell actually comforting. And I missed it (I don't now, of course).
Now, I feel sick to my stomach with guilt. I had a suppressed memory, that was triggered by the smell of his cologne. I'm not supposed to be thinking about him. We're over and done with. But, still, I couldn't stop thinking about it. I kept wondering what that feeling was, or what the memory was even supposed to be. And I realized, that feeling was longing. Dread and longing and relief and anger. Most of the feelings I felt when we broke up.

I still can't place the memory though. Because he wasn't around me when we broke up the final time. He dumped me over text. So I don't know why I'm feeling the feelings I felt when we broke up. (try saying that three times fast.)