Oh God, what am I doing?

Oh God, what am I doing?

I have absolutely no idea. I think so oddly, I am odd, I am eccentric. I am Julie. I am myself, but you, you disgust me. You are a monster. You are a pig. You are egocentric. You are narcissistic. You are self-centered. You are smug. You are arrogant. You are vain. You are conceited. You are ignorant. You are oblivious. You are insensitive. You are irresponsible. You are obnoxious. You are irritating. Oh God why have we changed?

I'm growing older, I'm growing more mature, I'm growing as a person, as a writer, as a musician. You are growing backwards. I don't know why I care? Maybe because you were so kind to me before this sudden change? Oh God, why did I have to change?

Maybe you stayed the same? Or maybe you changed with me, you grew in the opposite ways, like flowers that have intertwined, that now, slowly, untangle themselves from the mess they have gotten into. Oh God, why did you have to change?

Oh God, why do I have to care? Why can't I pour all of my feelings into this wet cement that's trapped me under the surface of contentment? Blank. I doubt my writing, my meaning, I doubt my abilities as a musician. How dare I call myself a musician? How dare I call my work art? How dare I change?

Oh God, do you even need my help, do you even want my help? You'll find out just about how big of a step you are taking backwards. Backwards. To drugs, oh God I thought you had grown out of the phase, before you even entered it. To alcohol, oh God, don't you see what you are doing to me? You are forcing me to care! God, I can't take it anymore. God, let me be blank!

You're killing me with this! You're killing me! I thought I'd get off easy with this abrupt break. I thought we'd go separate ways and we wouldn't have to care about each other. Oh, but I care. Too much. I want you to be safe so I can go back to worrying about myself instead of you. Oh God, I give up. How dare you change?!