The Aftermath Of Love

They say it was better to have loved and lost then to never have loved at all. But they're wrong. You love. Present tense. If we love someone, then we keep loving them forever. You never stop. If you say you loved someone, then you never truly "loved" them at all.

Through all of those secret kisses, and even the not-so-secret kisses, do you still believe you're over them? Through all of those times they held you, or you held them, do you still think you'd never take them back? Many don't. If they do something unforgivable, then that deed is done, there is no taking it back. And if upon doing that deed you loose the love of your life, then so be it. Those words were said, and cannot be unsaid.But, many also believe in second chances (and in some cases, third or fourth chances). So if you take the time to realize you're lucky enough to even have them crawling back to you with their tails between their legs, then maybe they might just prove to be a loyal companion. Most of the time, given second chances, you screw up, again. But take the time to enjoy those moments spent together, and look back with a smile on your face. Because if you don't; you will just be haunted forever (and probably never loved them in the first place).

Smile too much, laugh too loud, and take too many pictures. Enjoy those memories with each other, and look into the future with high hopes that the person you love will still hold you in their heart also, and that hopefully, one day, you might even become good friends.

Interesting

I have specific (and weird) interests at the moment.

1. Writing in general

2. Songwriting/singing

3. Scriptwriting/producing

4. Dreams/Subconscious mind/Dream meanings

5. Photography

6. Anxiety disorder

7. Common interest in specific people

Notice a pattern? Writing, writing/music, writing, psychology, art, psychology, obsession. I wonder which one will win? By win, I mean which one will I choose.

Well whichever one I choose, I know there will be some form of writing in it. Because I love it. I can't get enough of it. All of the people I surround myself in my life usually have the same interests that I do. Jessica loves writing songs/singing, photography, and she shares the same interests in the same people that I do. Hayley loves....well she's just.....Hayley. I love her. Autumn shares the same interests in the same people I do, and she likes art, so....

My point is; no matter what I grow up to be in life-Author, One-hit wonder, scientist (although I dread this career choice) psychologist, or janitor-there will always be words on a piece of paper, or computer screen, in front of me. I will always be inspired to write, whether it be stories of others', others' work, or just the beauty of life in general. Writing is my passion, my calling, I've been writing since grade school (that's what my grade school teachers all told me)!

So for those of you who don't believe they're good at anything: what do you love doing? Chances are, you're pretty good at doing what you want to do. You don't do well on things you force upon yourself (I.E I've always wanted to be a model, but I don't love modeling). So, have too high of hopes, have too big of wishes, have confidence in what you do. Even if you grow up to be something different than what you wanted, if you surround yourself with what you love doing, and people who share the same interests, then you'll gradually become better at it, and (I'm not saying for sure) maybe you'll be recognized.

Live your dream. Even if it isn't exactly your dream, at least you have important aspects of that dream.

Live it. Love it. Do it.

Thank you

Thank you. For being my inspiration. For being there to reinforce that this world is a good world after all. For seeing the good in people. For not judging people who judge you. For not giving up on something you believe you can save. For being a flamboyant, spontaneous, outgoing optimist. For making me believe in love. For helping me understand a little bit more about the world. Thank you for helping me.

-To Keltie Colleen

Thank you. For being my writing inspiration. For being different. For not subjecting yourself to criticism. For pointing out the flaws in today's economy. For being funny. For helping me comprehend all of the troubles I might encounter when I grow older. For warning me about this world. Thank you for making me want to write more and more each and every day.

-To Ryan Ross

(NOT Mr. Fuck Up)

Thank you. For being there for me. For holding me when I cried. For being there to share the laughs. For actually laughing at my corny jokes. For teaching me a little bit about myself. For knowing me more than I know myself. For giving me pop-tarts. For mangoes and peaches. For being there to obsess over Ryan Ross and Keltie Colleen with me. For making me actually care about Brendon Urie. For being there with me through the ups and downs without ever taking your hand out of mine. For never leaving my side. For being my best friend. For being my sister (even though we aren't biologically related). Thank you for the past years, and hopefully the years to come. I love you. Thank you.

-To Jessica

You two

There are a few songs that remind me of you two. You two, if you don't remember whom I'm talking about; is that boy and that girl. One song, is definintely Break-Even by The Script. Then Almost Lover by Fine Frenzy, You Oughta Know by Alanis Morissette, White Flag by Dido, Where I Stood by Missy Higgins, I Can't Make You Love Me by Bonnie Raitt, One Last Kiss by Madina Lake, Don't Speak by No Doubt, and Black Rose by Trapt. All of those song remind me of you two. Or, now, you and you. There is no more two.

But even then I can't help feeling like there's some hope you might reunite. Like maybe there is something left to save. Maybe there is still love there after all. Maybe she is a whore, and that boy deserves her. But that girl deserves so much better. If you're confused, I'm talking about three people here. That boy, that girl, and her. I really do wish at night that they would get back together. That, even though I'm probably wrong, she is a slut and a horrible person with no human morals whatsoever.

"Loving him, hard to regret. Losing him, hard to accept. But with all of the pain I've felt, letting go is the hardest yet." - Anonymous.

"And the hardest part is holding on when you know he already let go" - Anonymous.

"You had me at hello, and killed me at goodbye." - Anonymous.

"Here's the truth about the truth: It hurts. So we lie." - Anonymous.

"You ignorant, immature, inappropriate, rude, outrageous, incompetent, revolting, downright ridiculous, neurotic, pessimistic, naive, obnoxious, narcissistic, self centered little bastard! I love you." - Me ;)

Please consider it. Not only for me. But for you too.

And I'm talking to you too Justin.

Memories

I think it's funny how one moment you could be there for a friend in need, and the next moment you could be in need of an absent friend. I think it's funny how one moment you could be everything, and the next moment you could be nothing. I think it's funny how you one moment you're wishing you would meet a decent person, and the next moment you're wishing you never met that "decent" person. I think it's a riot. It's hilarious.

No it really isn't. It's not funny. It's depressing. Do you know what I think is funny? I think it's funny how we don't remember days, but we remember moments. So we remember the moments we felt good for helping those in need, or felt important. Then you remember those moments, those terrible little heartbreaking moments, where you feel lonely and irrelevant. You remember that moment were everything was perfect? They were holding you, kissing you, telling you that you were important. You remember that other moment? Where they were screaming at you, calling you worthless and pathetic?

We all remember relevant little details about life. But when it comes down to it, we can never really see the big picture unless it's shown to us. Screw those who say they can see that god damn picture. It ain't real. We remember voices, names, faces, important facts about others' lives. But we never fully comprehend that person. We might connect ourselves with them on a basic level of common grounds, you know, "Oh yeah, the same thing happened to me also." We can put ourselves in their shoes, but we can't ever see through their eyes.

In Lust

In Lust


Nothing is ever what it looks like.
You "fell" into her.
You accidentally fell for her.
I guess I tripped you.
I guess I pushed you into it.
I guess I'm sorry,
It's my fault for not being perfect.
Well you found the trophy girl.
So put her in your trophy case.
Because that's where she belongs.
Or is that just what you think?

You're not in love.
You're in lust with her.
You can't be the perfect couple,
When you're not a couple at all.

Everything is what it looks like now.
You're home on the couch,
moping around.
I bet you still don't know.
When she left she had on lipstick.
Do you really believe she out with her "friends?"
But I'll be here when you're down.
After you find out about,
what she does.
What she does with them.
I'm sorry to inform you,
But they're not her "friends."

You're not in love.
You're in lust with her.
You can't be the perfect couple,
When you're not a couple at all.

So ask yourself this questions;
Is it me or is it her?
Did you find your trophy girl?
Isn't it ironic,
How the world works?
She's sleeping with other guys,
When you're the one who slept with her.
Instead of me.

But I'll be here when you're down.
After you find out about,
what she does.
What she does with them.
I'm sorry to inform you,
But they're not her "friends."

You're not in love.
You're in lust with her.
You can't be the perfect couple,
When you're not a couple at all.

So what?

"Is she pretty?" - Me. "She's beautiful." - You. "I'm so happy for you.." - Me. "No you're not." - You. "Yeah, but envy tastes horrible on my lips." - Me. "I'm so sorry." - You. "No you're not." - Me. "Yeah, but guilt tastes horrible on my lips." - You.

So what if I'm ThinkingOfYou64TimesADay? So what if you're kissing her? So what if I can't breathe? So what if you don't miss me? So what if the best part of me, and frankly the only part of me I like, was you? So what if the only reason you want to talk to me is because you feel guilty? So what if I threw the ring you gave me in the garbage disposal? So what if you gave her a prettier ring? So what if I can't sleep? So what if you're smiling and I'm not?

So What? What = everything. What = heartbreak. What = cheating. What = bad days. What = tears. What = Mr. LumpInMyThroat. What = "Oh hey, I haven't seen you in a while. How are you?" - You. "Oh yeah, I'm good" - Me. What = lies. What = a trophy girl to put in your trophy case. What = sorry. What = you're not forgiven. What = What.

"I'm sorry" won't fix "you cheated."

Knock Knock

Who's at my doorstep?

No, no, offense was not my intention. I just wanted you to know that I'm okay. I have no idea what I'm doing, I haven't a clue as to what I want to be when I grow older, or to who I am now as apposed to who I'll be in the future. No one really finds themselves, they may find a direction they want to take, but because of all of the experiences you go through, including those you haven't, make up who you are, you never really find yourself. It's like playing a game of hide and seek with a broken mirror. But I haven't even found I direction, a calling. All I pray for at night is someone who will stick with me by my side throughout all of the tough times, someone who will just be there for me. I suppose that's sorta selfish. Why should I get Mr. Perfect when there's tons of other people out there who deserve him more then I do?

So who's at my doorstep?

You.

Again.

I won't turn you away. If I want Mr. Perfect so badly then why am I pushing away Almost Decent? No, what I really want is one of those adult friends that I can go to for anything, and they wouldn't judge me. I'm not a book, although you can read my face like I own my own library. I guess I need to just appreciate what I have and not worry over what I don't. It's like the saying, "Why when we seek happiness do we so often find pain? Well instead of wishing for sunshine, learn to dance in the rain."

I never said I was perfect.

But you're pretty fucked up.

Wishes

I've wished upon a star way too many times to be naive enough to wish again. I know those little flickers of light in the dark navy sky are just innocent little stars that can do nothing to help you. You can't just wish away your problems, and running away is a pathetic solution. You have to do it yourself. Be brave, be courageous, be confident! You can't blame god for all of the mistakes and changes in your life, it isn't his fault. You're not his little puppet, he doesn't make your decisions for you, you make them yourself. And yes, you will make mistakes. Because change and mistakes are inevitable, and there's no doubt they're bound to happen.

But life is just what happens to you when you're busy making other plans. And really, age is but a number. You can be fifty-one and a thirty-two year old could have more knowledge of the world. Embrace that vacant space in your head, fill it with what you don't know. There's so much out there that's just waiting to be picked up, and usually people just sit around on their ass all day eating junk food and watching people kill and rape other people on TV. No wonder the economy is to the shit. Do something. You may be judged by others, but if those people you like to call your 'friends' honestly care about you then they won't judge you. They're not judges, you're not a book.

The Wrong Road

This day; good day. I suppose. I learn a little more every day, and I was told you don't find talent, talent finds you. Corny, but alright. What talent do I have? I have raw talent. I can write, type, whatever the situation. But given my circumstances do you believe I could pull off a job in that career field? Not a road less traveled, but a road people like to swerve off of. Things I already know but want to share with you:

1. Be beautiful.
2. The world doesn't stop spinning because someone else stops breathing.
3. Jealousy is the cousin of greed.
4. Don't be afraid to love someone.
5. What doesn't kill you makes you a stronger person.

I've had a lot of role models in my life, but I know one who will remain my role model for years to come. She's been so strong when it comes to heartbreak. I need to be strong. I can't find my will. Keltie Colleen. Keep at it. Another role model, here to stay, is the one person who broke Keltie's heart. But he was my role model first, and he's been my role model for 3 years now. Something about the way he writes inspires me to keep writing. I don't necessarily want to be exactly like him, now that he screwed his life up. But I do want to write like him. Ryan Ross. (Other role models include; Daddy and Jessica) And out to Ryan; every song I hear about a breakup reminds me of you two, and I don't know why, but I want you to get back together with Keltie. That will never happen, but whatever. I wrote this for you:

The Wrong Road


They should not be scars.
They shouldn’t be regrets.
They’re the ones who’d tried to help,
With whatever you had left.

They’re the ones who stood in your shadow,
Stepped back and let you shine.
How could you think anything else,
Of those people whom had tried?

They just couldn’t salvage,
What dignity you had.
Now look down the road you took,
And see the sign that reads “Go back.”

The one’s who pulled you under,
With the evil that they did.
They stand farther down the road,
And they pull you further in.

So let me ask a question.
Is it true that you are blind?
The one’s that tried to help,
No longer stand by your side.

They stopped after a while,
After your shrugged them off your shoulder.
Now they look at you with disgust,
Because you’re getting colder.

It’s not too late to go back.
I’m sure they still love you too.
They’ll smile with relief,

Only if that’s what you choose.

I love

I love the way they look at me,
when I start to smile.
I love the way they patronize,
Like I'm a desperate child.
I love the way things can go wrong,
after just being so right.
I love the way you try to reason,
and speak only of lies.
I love the way you left again,
and said you wouldn't return.
I love the way ten months later,
you text me, "Lesson learned."
I love the way your friends will leave,
and kick you when you're down.
I love the way when you're depressed,
No one is ever around.
I love the way I won't forgive,
If I can't forget.
I love the way last night was packed,
with so much regret.
I love the way you compare,
with me versus her.
I love the way you get your answer,
and choose the other girl.
But what I love most of all,
is how much I hate those things.
I hate the way they won't come pack,
I hate that they abandoned me.

This one guy....

It takes such a long time to realize fault in yourself, but by then, I’m already gone. I’m out with my friends, laughing, having fun. You're on the outside. How does that feel? I hope it hurts. I was never told being sorry was obligation. I’m not sorry. When you close your eyes do you see mine? You haunt me in my sleep, you make me feel worthless and pathetic. You should have told her to keep her mouth shut. You should have kept your hands to your side and not in her pants. Don't come running back. You'd run miles before you reached me again, and even then, I wouldn't care. What you did was unforgivable. The way a heart breaks is heartbreaking. I've had enough of that sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. Go away.

So there's this one guy......