well

There's a story in your eyes,
and an iris can't tell lies.
I feel like you're someone I should avoid,
but maybe I'm just being paranoid.

I want to fall in love

I wanna fall in love...
I really do.
I wanna fall in love with myself
as well as someone else.
The only problem is...
I'm afraid of heights.
The only problem is
I've already started to fall for you...
but I know you're not strong enough
to catch me...
to hold the weight of both me
and all of my demons...
when you already have your own
to deal with..
The only problem is
there is no "you."
It would be a simple,
happy ending on my part
if there was a "you".
It would be cliche
but it would mean my salvation
if there was a "you"...
but.... there is no "you".

I wanna fall in love...
I really do.

one more thing

Shafer.

that is all

mirrors

a mirror mirrors our conscious which mirrors the truth.

mirrors are truth?

my conscious is a liar then... I am not, NOT, who I used to be.

but I don't know whether that's a good thing,
or a bad thing.

who have I become?

I still don't know who I am, but I know I'm not who I was.

my conscious is a liar then.... or I am a liar.

a mirror mirrors our conscious which mirrors the truth
and my conscious sees what I cannot.
I like to see, seeing is believing
but looks are deceiving.
and if I cannot see what one does
it drives me crazy.
I see most things!

and I cannot see myself?

i think, not only speak, in rhymes

my mind is playing tricks on me.

i keep imagining that im like you but i dont know you.

my thoughts are infinitely vacant, and i need to write the vacancies that occupy my mind...
i would rather be filled with memories, is that ok?

fear and pain deals a lot with memories, dont you think?

but god damn, the memory is such a subjective thing. dont you think?

now im gonna be stuck in your mind and
in your mindset
and way of
thinking
for the rest of the goddamn day
doyouseewhattyoudotome

fuck you.

The Perks of Being a Wallflower

you say nothing like that ever happened to me...but I think you forget that all of that, almost the same exact shit, happened to me. Is still happening to me. I think you forget that I don't have friends like that. that even though I'm a junior and I'm not as quiet as the character of the movie, and that I'm outgoing and smart..I don't have close friends. I have acquaintances..at most. I think you forget about your ex husband and junior high and Angel and losing everything. And I am still losing and losing even though I've already lost so much and I really don't have anything else to lose. I don't think you realize that this has not gotten better and it is worse than it was, even with this medicine. I am so sorry that I lied to you and that I put up this front of happiness but I want you to be happy and your happiness is my happiness. I am so sorry that I told you I'm better and I made it seem like it all went away but I am too scared to admit I need help and I need to go back to that place. I don't want to go back because I will fail my classes and I can't have that, you won't be happy. Basically the whole entire reason I am still living my life is because you believe I deserve to live this life and I don't want you to be sad that I don't want to live this life. And I need help because I want this to end. It's been long enough, don't you think? It's been long enough and its just gonna get longer because let's face it, the only way for this to end is if this ends. Is if I end.

Jesus, what am I, chopped liver?

You call and ask to hang out, which is awesome because that never happens. I always have to ask. I don't really have any friends, or I'm just not important enough to be thought about. So you call, and then I tell you to call later. I even say I will be done around 6. You say you'll call back. I text the number you called from and no reply? I call the number you called from and no one answers?

What the hell kinda game are you trying to play here? I'm just so fucking done with everything right now. Like, I have no one, and then you get my hopes up and crush me time and time again. What's wrong with you?! What's wrong with me?! What have I done that's so severely wrong I have to pay for it by being miserable?

I even told you that I really fucking like you. Like, a lot. You say we're just talking, and that's cool because I think we should get to know each other before we get into a relationship. I don't even know if that will happen. You're just using me. I tell you this and you ask to hang out and then nothing. You can't just do that. You can't just hang with me and act all buddy buddy then ignore me for a week or two!

I'm just done. I give up on you.