Year

It's been a whole year

and I'm a whole new person.

What did I do?

I killed it, rid it from my body.
I shed it from my mind and from my worries.



And he's gone. He passed. On Halloween.

What a year..

And I'm going to college; fulfilling my dream
to leave Ohio.

You'll see my name in headlines one day
just wait.

My brain hurts

Nothing is lucid anymore,

I feel like I'm stuck in a dream-like state.

Everything is surreal,

as if I'm watching over my life.

I don't feel alive.

What's the point of living if you can't live?

They say all that matters is now,

not the past;

not the present.

But what if its all bleeding together,

blending into one intricate mess of my life?

Days are passing faster;

I can't tell one from another,

I just go through the motions.

I've shut everyone out of my life.

I've been stepped on for too long,

and I'm tired of treating people

how I would want to be treated.

Now I treat them how they treat me.

And it sucks because I'm alienating everyone,

and realizing maybe they shouldn't

have been in my life in the first place.

At the first red flag I drop them,

I am giving no more second chances.

But I'm lonely.

And I'm scared.

Everyone is forcing their opinions on me and telling me that they aren't. They all make enemies with the ones whose opinions differ from their own.  

Hell is scratching at my back.

Ultimately, this is my choice. You all fail to realize this. You say it is completely up to me but then try to mold my mindset to your ideas. I will not lie down and have you all fight with each other and me about what is going to happen. Its my decision to make, not yours. 

Furthermore; I will not have you plead with me, beg me, or threaten me if your plans aren't similar to mine. I've had enough. I was looking for support amongst family and friends and all I found was chaos. You all have completely disappointed me, and worse, broken my heart.

This is MY life.

I can't believe you. Its hard enough to make this decision on my own, but to have everyone talking in my ear at once makes this ten times more difficult. If you aren't supportive of whatever decision I choose, then you aren't allowed to talk to me about the subject. If you are, but have differing opinions, don't TELL me about them unless I ask. I don't need everyone's two cents.

Enough is enough.

It's breaking my heart to make this decision.

I can't live knowing I've caused the death of someone else. The toll of the regret will take all I have left of me. It will disappoint my family, and I don't think I can handle the shit they will give me. I know they will never look at me the same.

I can't give my life up to this alien; I won't be able to care for something I never wanted. I quite frankly see it more as a burden than a blessing. Its a mistake, a simple slip up that's going to cost me more than my mind.

My life has been flipped over and crushed, making my plans for the future seem implausible. I have to change everything, and I'm very comfortable with my life right now. 

All of the options I have seem so far out of reach. I mull them over in my head again and again, weighing the pros and cons, all of the possibilities and what-ifs. I'm turning this situation inside out to try and find a solution, but there are so many factors I have to take into consideration. Its so much more complicated than a yes or no answer.

I still have no clue what I am going to do, and my hesitation  is leading to huge assumptions by all the witnesses. Waiting is turning this nightmare into a demon. I can no longer afford to spend any more time thinking this through, but I haven't completely gotten my answer yet. 

Come Wednesday, I will hopefully have made my decision, and I will hopefully not have lost my mind over it.

BOYCOTT EA

Listen to me people: do not buy any EA products! Especially The Sims 3!

These games are filled with bugs, glitches, and errors that prevent you from playing them. I've contacted EA about this for about 2 years now, without a single word back from them. Tell everyone you know not to buy any of EA's products.

I plan on ruining this gaming company, and I need your help.

the meaning of life

I now know what the meaning of life is:

It's love.

Love is a frequency that allows us to fully expand;
the emotion changes our DNA itself.

Look out in the world, what do you see?
War, hate, discrimination; murder, famine, depression....

This keeps us in low vibrational frequencies, or the frequency of fear.

The frequency of love is higher and faster, more wild and energetic.

Wake the fuck up and start loving people again...

Illusions

We are not here.
You are not reading this.

Its all an illusion.

I have no idea how to act,
how to think,
what to believe....
My mind is blown,
my world is upside down,
everything tangible
has become an idea.

Now what?
Now that I know this,
what happens next?