Cause I don't want to be alone tonight

There's no need to pretend,

no need for innocence.

I've got to be honest now.

The worst things in life come free to us

"'Cause we're just under the upper hand..."

Nothing in life

that is worthy of your time

comes easy.

No great minds think alike.

We're all distant competitors

of the next big thing.

When people are used

and things are loved,

the world falls apart.

And my world is already broken,

a shattered dimension of your world,

distorted through these hazel eyes.

My apologies,

I didn't know to be in love,

or to be happy,

or to just simply enjoy life,

you had to fight to have the upper hand.

And this snowball of fear and loathing,

worthlessness and self-pity,

keeps picking up your words.

You don't realize when they

escape from your lips,

smirking,

they are painted bright red

in the air they were spoken in.

None of this makes sense,

it's just mumbo-jumbo bullshit that rattles around in my head.

Lately these deeper thoughts have been returning.

All I want to do is make you happy;

but what would make you happy

is my happiness.

I just don't think I can afford to pretend any longer.

I'm floating above myself at night, watching myself. It's eerily silent. You're here too. You're watching me watch myself. I would turn my head to look at you, but for some odd reason, I my eyes are glued to my reflection. I am a ghost on the ceiling. You, the real you, enters my room. I don't know why, but you flip my on my back...you stab me. You're laughing and crying at the same time. I don't know whether to feel sorry for you or to be angry at you. I don't know whether you regret stabbing me, or you enjoyed it. Then you're gone, the real you. I turn my head to look at you, floating on the ceiling with me. You're crying, and mouthing something to me, but I can't hear it.

And I just turn back to watch myself peacefully escape my body.

Fading slowly as the blood oozes.

I'm ok with that.

Rock Bottom is the A Team

Those who say people never change

have obviously never met me

when I was younger,

and full of life,

when I dared to fly.

Those who say

money can’t buy happiness

don’t know that what’s free

isn't exactly the best,

and what you don’t

have to work for

isn't exactly worth it.

            How are you supposed to feel when you want to desperately to end your life, yet you’re too afraid of death to go through with it? Trapped, I guess. That’s how I feel. I’m stuck between two extremes, and the path in the middle, the one that everyone wants me to go down, is covered in this darkness. I can’t see a thing. It’s like a blanket of self-doubt and worthlessness and hopelessness, and you can never find your way out. Every time you think you've found the light at the end of the tunnel, it’s just another torch leading you deeper and deeper into the depths of depression. It’s like every ounce of happiness just seeps out of me, and every time I fall back into my bad habits of lying, smoking, skipping classes, and stealing, I fade further from who I really am. My life has been a constant spiral, out of control. Sometimes upwards, moving so fast towards happiness that I can almost taste it, but there’s gravity; everything has to fall at some point. My life is usually a spiral downward, falling fast towards my death. 

And I think I've finally reached rock bottom.

"They say, she's in the class A Team, stuck in her daydream, been that way since eighteen.."