I'm lying in my bed, but I'm looking at myself. Like I'm stuck in the corner, and my body is just there. It's dark in my room, there are clothes littered on the floor, and the desk that I have now, that sits across from my bed, isn't there. The foot of my bed reaches the door-frame, but my door is closed. I have my nightstand, and my TV stand, which is also my drawer. My closet is closed, and I linger in the corner next to it.
I can't tell what my clock reads, but it's sometime in the morning, way before dawn, or any sunlight that would ease the goosebumps I can feel on my body. It's strange, how I can feel this, but I'm not in my own body. Then there's a man, who enters through my window. I don't know how he got in, I usually lock it.
He walkes calmly over to my bed, the street-light outside of my house shines some light into my room, and he walks into it. His face seems familiar, but vague and obscur at the same time. He sits on the foot of my bed, and puts his hand on my leg.
"Take off your clothes." He whispers, his voice strict, but not aggressive. He sounds familiar too, like someone I know, but I just can't put my finger on it. "Take off your clothes." He repeats himself, this time more maliciously.
I try to scream, but suddenly he's on top of me, kissing my lips, my cheek, chin, neck. He tugs down my shorts and underwear, moving his lips slowly down my body. I'm not sleeping with a shirt or bra on, which I normally do. He grips my wrists and pulls them down to my side, to where I cannot move at all. My legs are apart, and I feel some warmth, his tongue moving slowly down my abdomen, lower, and lower.
I'm able to get my left hand free from his, and try to reach over my motionless body to my cell phone sitting on my nightstand, but he catches my hand, and with the flick of his wrist, he brakes mine. I try to scream again, but no words escape, I'm left helpless.
Fingers in inapropriate places, I rock my body from side to side. It doesn't even phase him. I try to sit up, but his free hand pushes my back down on the bed. I start sobbing. I can feel it, the pain, and nothing but. I try to yell for my mother, but my mouth won't open.
He sits up, pulling my wrists and abdomen up-right. If he is going to rape me, why doesn't he just do it already? He pulls of his pants and shirt, unbottons his boxers. I squirm, and try to bite his arms. When I open my mouth to scream again, he intertwines his fingers with my hair and forces my head down.
"If you bite down, I'll brake your neck." He smiles, I can see it from where I am in the corner. It's an arrogant smirk. He's bluffing, but my body doesn't bite anyway. I don't move, his arm does, up and down, my salty tears mixing with my saliva. He talks to me like I'm an adult, like he does this to me every night. It scares me.
He pulls me off, pushes me down on the bed. He grips my sides and climbs on top of me, starts kissing me. His hands move to the inside of my thighs, squeezing tight, tighter, it burns. And he's inside of me, but he makes no noises. Silent. I'm the one drowing in my own screams, sobs, squirming. I feel it. I feel him inside of me. I don't know how long it's been. It's still sometime in the morning, my clock has stayed the same vague, unreadable number throughout the night.
He finishes, gets up. He pulls my underwear and shorts onto my sweaty body, and dresses himself. There's some form of light outside of my window, shining through. When he pulls up the curtains, handfuls of sunlight are thrown at my face. I blink, one, twice. He's gone. My window is left open. I try to scream. Nothing. I try to move. Nothing. I tell myself to get my cell phone and call the police. Once more, nothing.
I'm trapped, in the corner. I'm the shadow, lingering on the wall. I start to wonder if I'm dead. I haven't moved since he left. I can't call out to myself. I pound on the invisible barrier keeping me from my body. I hear no sounds. Nothing. No crickets. Not even my own sobs. I'm sobbing? I didn't notice I was moving. Too preoccupied with getting out. Trapped. I'm lying in my bed, but I'm looking at myself.
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Monday, October 18, 2010
Jade
The ink of the newspapers was faded, a deluted look that gave the acient papers a sort of devine appearance. The white spaces in between the words was yellowing and moldy, the speckles of dusting lingering in the air above it, faintly showing dull pieces in the light that came through the windows. The headlines read, "YOUNG GIRL, AGE SIXTEEN, FOUND DEAD, JANE DOE."
"I've seen strange things, Jade." Ben whispered to the vacant air, "But never a Jane Doe they automatically know the age of. I guess autopsies are important." His pale skin was fluorescent in the black light. "I always imagined a deer with a name tag lying dead in a ditch."
"Don't get worked up kid." Ryan sighed at the stack of newspapers that sat on the old workbench. "Get up and help me get these into the truck. We have more papers to deliver today, it's Wednesday."
There were always more newspapers on Wednesday. It was the busy day. The day all of the rich folk living in the luxorious houses demanded their newspapers. For whatever reason, it was always on a Wednesday. Ben stood, folding the page of old newspaper into his back pocket and letting the rest drop to the ground, joining all of the other out-of-date papers that littered the floor of the old warehouse.
They hauled the stack into the truck and went around to the front. Ben always rode shot-gun, Ryan always drove. Ben struggled to open the stubborn door, the red paint chipping off under his fingernails, since there was no presence of a door-handle. Ryan hopped in the driver's side and unlocked the door. "Idiot." He muttered under his breath, before starting up the truck.
"I'm not an idiot." Ben argued, opening up the door and climbing in. "I'm just slow today."
"You're slow every day kid." He shifted gears, making the engine stall and backfire. "Shit. I hate this piece of scrap metal." He revved the engine, then pulled out of the large parking lot.
"Roll down the windows, it's hot."
"Yeah and it's also about to rain, so, that's a no-go on the window, buck."
It was true; the silver clouds over head were pushing past each other, like there was some prize for rain clouds on the other side of the sky. Everything was grey and gloomy, even the air appeared to have some sort of thickness to it that intantaneously made your mood drop when you walked outside. The flowers were hiding today.
Ben knew not to bring it up, but it was something he had to do. "It's my fifteenth birthday in two days." He shyly smiled, hiding his face in his palm. "Jade and I have an anniversary two day before-"
"Yeah. Happy early birthday kid." Ryan interjected, keeping off the topic of Jade. "I sadly won't be able to make it."
"Why not?" He couldn't keep himself from asking. Ben was easily distracted, and Jade would flow in and out of his mind so frequently it sometimes wasn't even worth talking about.
"I'm gonna join the navy." Ryan kept it simple, short, and clean. He didn't intend to go into deatail about his disparture with his family after Jade's death. But Ben somehow felt connected to him. Ryan was his girlfriend's brother, so it seemed he was always family to Ben.
"Do you want to go to the graveyard after work?" The sudden errupture of words spewed out of Ben's mouth, and he immediately shook with embarrassment after that words had escaped.
"I don't know. Sure. Why the hell not?" Ryan shrugged, turning the corner to the first street of the rich part of town.
The boys spent the rest of the day in silence. The awkwardness of the scenario- if Ben or Ryan would have been in the car with anybody else- not playing out. Ben tapped his fingers on the window while Ryan snuck out a cigarette, trusting Ben not to tell, but with some suspicion and skepticism. Although he was considered legal to smoke, his parents didn't appreciate him doing so all too much.
And a secret Jade had told Ben, but took with her to her grave, the leukemia, had destroyed the once happy family. Ryan's father became an alcoholic that wouldn't return home for two or three days, and his mother was committing adultery. Ben's family wasn't all fairytail princess either. Both had flaws, but Ryan's family was the only one Ben saw falling apart at the seams. So Ryan's only move was to move on.
After they had finished up work, the two practically pushed the truck back to the warehouse. Sweat covering their soaked faces.
"Did you know it was possible to sweat while you're being doused in polluted, acidic rain?" Ryan joked.
"Damn, can we head up to the Gand Hale Cemetary now? I have something I need to tell Jade."
Ryan shook his head. Ben was naive to think Jade was listening to his pathetic pleas to the afterlife. He knew his sister, and he knew she had moved on from their tragic lives. He just couldn't seem to grasp why Ben wouldn't give up. Where's this kid getting all this hope from?
"Yeah, man, but we better go before it gets late. I don't want your mom nerve-raging again." He smiled a true genuine smile for the first time in for what it's seemed like- years!
The boys hopped in Ryan's old Chevy and drove up to Grand Hale, hiking up the steep hill to where Jade's grave was located. Ben dropped to his knees and whispered a prayer, then opened them back up and smiled at the lettering on the grave.
"For our anniversary, I got you a ring." He whispered. He pulled out a little black ring box and placed it in front of the daisies they planted for Jade- her favorite flower. Ryan was too afraid to ask where he got the ring, but he knelt beside Ben and opened the box himself.
Sure enough, it was an engagement ring.
"I've seen strange things, Jade." Ben whispered to the vacant air, "But never a Jane Doe they automatically know the age of. I guess autopsies are important." His pale skin was fluorescent in the black light. "I always imagined a deer with a name tag lying dead in a ditch."
"Don't get worked up kid." Ryan sighed at the stack of newspapers that sat on the old workbench. "Get up and help me get these into the truck. We have more papers to deliver today, it's Wednesday."
There were always more newspapers on Wednesday. It was the busy day. The day all of the rich folk living in the luxorious houses demanded their newspapers. For whatever reason, it was always on a Wednesday. Ben stood, folding the page of old newspaper into his back pocket and letting the rest drop to the ground, joining all of the other out-of-date papers that littered the floor of the old warehouse.
They hauled the stack into the truck and went around to the front. Ben always rode shot-gun, Ryan always drove. Ben struggled to open the stubborn door, the red paint chipping off under his fingernails, since there was no presence of a door-handle. Ryan hopped in the driver's side and unlocked the door. "Idiot." He muttered under his breath, before starting up the truck.
"I'm not an idiot." Ben argued, opening up the door and climbing in. "I'm just slow today."
"You're slow every day kid." He shifted gears, making the engine stall and backfire. "Shit. I hate this piece of scrap metal." He revved the engine, then pulled out of the large parking lot.
"Roll down the windows, it's hot."
"Yeah and it's also about to rain, so, that's a no-go on the window, buck."
It was true; the silver clouds over head were pushing past each other, like there was some prize for rain clouds on the other side of the sky. Everything was grey and gloomy, even the air appeared to have some sort of thickness to it that intantaneously made your mood drop when you walked outside. The flowers were hiding today.
Ben knew not to bring it up, but it was something he had to do. "It's my fifteenth birthday in two days." He shyly smiled, hiding his face in his palm. "Jade and I have an anniversary two day before-"
"Yeah. Happy early birthday kid." Ryan interjected, keeping off the topic of Jade. "I sadly won't be able to make it."
"Why not?" He couldn't keep himself from asking. Ben was easily distracted, and Jade would flow in and out of his mind so frequently it sometimes wasn't even worth talking about.
"I'm gonna join the navy." Ryan kept it simple, short, and clean. He didn't intend to go into deatail about his disparture with his family after Jade's death. But Ben somehow felt connected to him. Ryan was his girlfriend's brother, so it seemed he was always family to Ben.
"Do you want to go to the graveyard after work?" The sudden errupture of words spewed out of Ben's mouth, and he immediately shook with embarrassment after that words had escaped.
"I don't know. Sure. Why the hell not?" Ryan shrugged, turning the corner to the first street of the rich part of town.
The boys spent the rest of the day in silence. The awkwardness of the scenario- if Ben or Ryan would have been in the car with anybody else- not playing out. Ben tapped his fingers on the window while Ryan snuck out a cigarette, trusting Ben not to tell, but with some suspicion and skepticism. Although he was considered legal to smoke, his parents didn't appreciate him doing so all too much.
And a secret Jade had told Ben, but took with her to her grave, the leukemia, had destroyed the once happy family. Ryan's father became an alcoholic that wouldn't return home for two or three days, and his mother was committing adultery. Ben's family wasn't all fairytail princess either. Both had flaws, but Ryan's family was the only one Ben saw falling apart at the seams. So Ryan's only move was to move on.
After they had finished up work, the two practically pushed the truck back to the warehouse. Sweat covering their soaked faces.
"Did you know it was possible to sweat while you're being doused in polluted, acidic rain?" Ryan joked.
"Damn, can we head up to the Gand Hale Cemetary now? I have something I need to tell Jade."
Ryan shook his head. Ben was naive to think Jade was listening to his pathetic pleas to the afterlife. He knew his sister, and he knew she had moved on from their tragic lives. He just couldn't seem to grasp why Ben wouldn't give up. Where's this kid getting all this hope from?
"Yeah, man, but we better go before it gets late. I don't want your mom nerve-raging again." He smiled a true genuine smile for the first time in for what it's seemed like- years!
The boys hopped in Ryan's old Chevy and drove up to Grand Hale, hiking up the steep hill to where Jade's grave was located. Ben dropped to his knees and whispered a prayer, then opened them back up and smiled at the lettering on the grave.
"For our anniversary, I got you a ring." He whispered. He pulled out a little black ring box and placed it in front of the daisies they planted for Jade- her favorite flower. Ryan was too afraid to ask where he got the ring, but he knelt beside Ben and opened the box himself.
Sure enough, it was an engagement ring.
Friday, October 15, 2010
Bisexual Diest
I think I understand why I'm so angry at my mother lately. There are two things actually.
One is that she can't accept the fact that I'm truely bisexual. I like women, and men, bottom line. I hate how parents will automatically assume that you're heterosexual just because they are. That doesn't mean a god damn thing. I feel like I'm some sort of a plastic puppet when I around her because I'm so afraid of her disproval. I mean, I didn't even realize it was bothering me at first. Then it started appearing in my dreams. I always have the same one. She catches me kissing a girl and kicks me out, screaming that I'm not her daughter anymore and that I'll never go to heaven.
She is my mother after all.
One is that she can't accept the fact that I'm truely bisexual. I like women, and men, bottom line. I hate how parents will automatically assume that you're heterosexual just because they are. That doesn't mean a god damn thing. I feel like I'm some sort of a plastic puppet when I around her because I'm so afraid of her disproval. I mean, I didn't even realize it was bothering me at first. Then it started appearing in my dreams. I always have the same one. She catches me kissing a girl and kicks me out, screaming that I'm not her daughter anymore and that I'll never go to heaven.
When did it become so wrong for one woman to love another? Love doesn't have one set definition, or gender, or age. So stop telling me I'm too young, stop telling me I can never love another woman, and stop telling me what love is. I'll decide what love means to me, I'll decide when I'm old enough to fall in love, and I'll decide whether I love a woman or a man. Don't judge me for loving someone of the same sex.
The other thing; is that I'm not exactly what you would call religious. I'm a diest. Which means that I only believe in a higher power, not necessarily a god or goddess, but a diety or some sort of creature with devine powers. She has a hard time accepting that also. She's very religous, and sometimes I feel like she's shoving religion down my throat, although she isn't. Nevertheless, I still feel like I'm a traitor in my own home.
It's just that I don't feel like she's accepting the real me.
And her approval and opinion matters to me.She is my mother after all.
Friday, October 8, 2010
update
Sorry, been busy. I can't believe I actually have a social life. I've just been hanging out with a bunch of friends in very odd places.
Like the Laundry Mat.
My safe haven.
Anywho, I'll try to keep you (you as in nobody because I'm very unpopular when it comes to people following my blog) updated ;)
Like the Laundry Mat.
My safe haven.
Anywho, I'll try to keep you (you as in nobody because I'm very unpopular when it comes to people following my blog) updated ;)
Sunday, October 3, 2010
Rumors Of The Sea
Sunken ships,
To the bottom of an ocean.
Praised and oh so vigilant.
But no caution could keep disaster away.
Light the fire and storm the seas,
Here to stay from white sanded shores,
Carnivals,
And walking absent-mindedly,
On the water,
No joke told.
But lies were sold,
With bitter mouths.
To the bottom of an ocean.
Praised and oh so vigilant.
But no caution could keep disaster away.
Light the fire and storm the seas,
Here to stay from white sanded shores,
Carnivals,
And walking absent-mindedly,
On the water,
No joke told.
But lies were sold,
With bitter mouths.
Take me away!
I don't want to play,
All your stupid games.
If it means a lot to the trade.
I'm not okay!
If you want to stay,
You are welcomed late,
But so much more was a stake.
God damn vulgars praised.
Blank white,
Streams of the river edge.
Don't wish,
These angels don't take call backs.
And what of it?
Where's this God damn miracale?
There was water in the form of a solid.
But somewhere in the middle of it all,
Was a misunderstanding.
He's not dead.
No, he's just sleeping.
Take me away!
I don't want to play,
All your stupid games.
If it means a lot to the trade.
I'm not okay!
If you want to stay,
You are welcomed late,
But so much more was a stake.
God damn vulgars praised.
Seemed to the opaque,
Ocean deathly,
With the lies of,
Jesus Chirst, Oh.
When will we get our fix,
Of miracles?
And please tell me when is this,
Fight over now?
Take me away!
I don't want to play,
All your stupid games.
If it means a lot to the trade.
I'm not okay!
If you want to stay,
You are welcomed late,
But so much more was a stake.
God damn vulgars praised.
Seemed to the opaque,
Ocean deathly,
With the lies of,
Jesus Chirst, Oh.
When will we get our fix,
Of miracles?
And please tell me when is this,
Fight over now?
Seemed to the opaque,
Ocean deathly,
With the lies of,
Jesus Chirst, Oh.
When will we get our fix,
Of miracles?
And please tell me when is this,
Fight over now?
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